The Beet

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THE BEET

With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love

By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020

In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.

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THE BEET

Area robot faces backlash for ‘Starship Lives Matter’ tweet

By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020

Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.

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THE BEET

Cardinal staffer furious that her op-eds haven’t fixed all societal issues, quits

By Anupras Mohapatra | Aug. 31, 2020

Another tragic account involving a failed social justice warrior... Curse instant gratification and inflated egos! 

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THE BEET

Unsuspecting Tinder user stumbles upon King Henry VIII, long live the king!

By Bailey Hills | Apr. 29, 2020

There's only one explanation for the swirly and blocky calligraphy infiltrating female millennials' Tinder messages... and it's that King Henry VIII is alive and well. 

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THE BEET

In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 27, 2020

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a stuffed tiger by the toe. If he hollers, or if he doesn't, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

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THE BEET

Cardinalscopes: How you will contract coronavirus based on your sign

By Jordan Simon and Bailey Hills | Apr. 24, 2020

Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign. 

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THE BEET

Mifflin was ‘murican AF this year

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 24, 2020

Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.

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THE BEET

Opinion: I was filing for unemployment weeks before it was cool

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 23, 2020

While most Americans were caught by surprise when the nation shut down to slow the spread of coronavirus, I was one of the few who saw it coming, and I acted.

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THE BEET

Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 21, 2020

The Office of the Governor has proposed a creative solution to slowing the spread of Covid-19: placing Illinois residents on each street corner to encourage social distancing.

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THE BEET

Social media icon selflessly uses platform to raise nation's spirits, miraculously aiding worried souls with kind words through life-shattering pandemic

By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 16, 2020

Social media influencer Karen McSmith singlehandedly eases worlds' troubles with her selfless contributions of uplifting social media content. 

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THE BEET

UW-Madison attempts to compensate for student unemployment concerns with Starship emotional support positions

By Bailey Hills | Apr. 16, 2020

Many students who have lost their opportunity to work due to the coronavirus pandemic are struggling; in a feeble attempt to address concerns, the university released a limited number of part-time summer positions titled “Starship Emotional Support.”

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THE BEET

Discus thrower from UW-Madison wins gold at Olympic qualifying event, credits holding doors, breaking falls for success

By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 8, 2020

O'Johnson, standing in front of his webcam for an uncomfortable amount of time, made sure we captured the perfect shot of his chiseled arms.

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THE BEET

Madisonians hope UW-Madison’s ‘party’ dorms will be the first converted into emergency overflow rooms

By Bailey Hills | Apr. 6, 2020

Coronavirus patients in Sellery could likely start a rousing game of beer pong using two half-empty cans of Natural Light laying underneath their beds. 

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THE BEET

Lockdown

By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 5, 2020

"This lockdown will not last forever / This lockdown will certainly end"

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THE BEET

Coronavirus participated in the ‘until tomorrow’ Instagram challenge and it’s sups embarrassing

By Bailey Hills | Apr. 1, 2020

Sad, ugly coronavirus sheds a tear after reading millions of hate comments.

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THE BEET

Chad of the Sigma Chicken Pot Pie fraternity at UW-Madison contracts coronavirus

By Gillian Rawling | Apr. 1, 2020

Chad McBrad, his boys and their newest Sigma Chicken Pot Pie Pledge, Covid-19. 

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THE BEET

Four walls

By Anupras Mohapatra | Mar. 31, 2020

The silence suffocates me 

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THE BEET

Announcing an end to their use of superdelegates, the Democratic Party plans to interfere with democratic process using far subtler method: Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots

By Jordan Simon | Mar. 30, 2020

The Democratic Party announced that they will no longer use superdelegates to nominate a candidate for the general election, the party will instead force the candidates to play each other in a game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.

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THE BEET

Tom Brady social distances from New England Patriots, self isolates in Tampa Bay

By Jordan Simon | Mar. 21, 2020

Coronavirus pandemic forces Brady to social distance from the New England Patriots' roster.

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THE BEET

Leprechaun at end of rainbow pleads for free healthcare, clearly a Bernie supporter

By Bailey Hills | Mar. 12, 2020

Hello. This naked cherub has a small favor to ask you ...