The Beet - The Daily Cardinal

THE BEET

Man wants to jump off bridge after Presidential Debate but doesn’t trust structural integrity of America’s bridges

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020

It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.

THE BEET

Lincoln: “Nobody asked me if I wanted to be removed – because I do”

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020

In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.

THE BEET

UWPD arrests all members of ASM to show how well they can do job following 'No Confidence' vote

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020

UWPD officers arrested all members of ASM Wednesday morning to show how well they can do their job following the campus organization’s vote of No Confidence in UWPD on Tuesday night.

THE BEET

Trump’s supreme court contenders: a review

By Nick Rawling | Sep. 24, 2020

After the tragic passing of feminist icon and 27-year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg on Friday, President Trump and his GOP, a party of deeply-faithful Christians that cherish the sanctity of human life, have decided to honor Ginsburg’s dying wish and the precedent they set in 2016 that she not be replaced until after this Nov. 3 election.

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THE BEET

Man struck with raining kangaroo; sues sky

By Joey Koala | Sep. 24, 2020

This past Sunday, a Madison man filed suit against the sky after being hit with a raining kangaroo. Frederick Harold Schumer-Harold, the subject of the case, experienced severe injuries to his sense of what is possible in the physical world and is seeking damages of 18 clouds.

THE BEET

ASM votes to open investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus

By Jordan Simon | Sep. 24, 2020

Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.

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THE BEET

Cases in Witte Residence Hall Skyrocket and the “Shower Shitter” resurfaces

By Gillian Rawling | Sep. 17, 2020

The hallways of Witte painted a stark contrast this weekend to what they looked like during the alleged lockdown. Mask-less freshmen crowded the lobby and elevators in their best crop tops and jersey-hoodie combos in pursuit of the allusive bar scene and Langdon houses that had yet to be shut down.

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THE BEET

Professor requires use of catheter during exams to ensure students not hiding notes in urethra

By Jordan Simon | Sep. 17, 2020

In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.

THE BEET

Sinkhole

By Anupras Mohapatra | Sep. 17, 2020

I find myself writhing in bed

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THE BEET

How to go to bars during a pandemic

By Bailey Hills | Sep. 10, 2020

The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?

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THE BEET

With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love

By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020

In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.

THE BEET

Area robot faces backlash for ‘Starship Lives Matter’ tweet

By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020

Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.

THE BEET

Cardinal staffer furious that her op-eds haven’t fixed all societal issues, quits

By Anupras Mohapatra | Aug. 31, 2020

Another tragic account involving a failed social justice warrior... Curse instant gratification and inflated egos!

THE BEET

Unsuspecting Tinder user stumbles upon King Henry VIII, long live the king!

By Bailey Hills | Apr. 29, 2020

There's only one explanation for the swirly and blocky calligraphy infiltrating female millennials' Tinder messages... and it's that King Henry VIII is alive and well.

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THE BEET

In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 27, 2020

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a stuffed tiger by the toe. If he hollers, or if he doesn't, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

THE BEET

Cardinalscopes: How you will contract coronavirus based on your sign

By Jordan Simon and Bailey Hills | Apr. 24, 2020

Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign.

THE BEET

Mifflin was ‘murican AF this year

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 24, 2020

Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.

THE BEET

Opinion: I was filing for unemployment weeks before it was cool

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 23, 2020

While most Americans were caught by surprise when the nation shut down to slow the spread of coronavirus, I was one of the few who saw it coming, and I acted.

THE BEET

Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside

By Jordan Simon | Apr. 21, 2020

The Office of the Governor has proposed a creative solution to slowing the spread of Covid-19: placing Illinois residents on each street corner to encourage social distancing.

THE BEET

Social media icon selflessly uses platform to raise nation's spirits, miraculously aiding worried souls with kind words through life-shattering pandemic

By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 16, 2020

Social media influencer Karen McSmith singlehandedly eases worlds' troubles with her selfless contributions of uplifting social media content.