The Beet

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THE BEET

How to deal with having COVID-19 at home

By Joe Rickles | Dec. 3, 2020

If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.

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A Message

By Anupras Mohapatra | Dec. 3, 2020

Claby blobby pippy tappy 

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Rupi Kaur

By Anupras Mohapatra | Dec. 3, 2020

I write four words

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Word of effective COVID vaccine worries Wisconsinites

By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 19, 2020

College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.

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Harbaugh says team has spent hours studying tape from Wisconsin game after bitter defeat

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020

Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.

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Op-ed: How come UWPD didn’t display any of my definitely-not-racist gifts in their office?

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020

UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”

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THE BEET

Confused tourist racks up big hotel bill as he smashes all clocks in his room after clocks did not fall back as he expected

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020

An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.

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THE BEET

Racism disappears from Madison completely Saturday morning

By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 12, 2020

Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.

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Slumber

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020

With his face planted firmly in his sheets

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Chime

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020

My bed lamp was my only companion, as I sat in anticipation

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Trump Supporters call for statehood of Puerto Rico after losing electoral college

By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 5, 2020

To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.

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List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020

If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party

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Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin

By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020

Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.

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Zodiac inspired Halloween costumes: Almanac Edition

By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 29, 2020

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

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A guide to celebrating Halloween during a pandemic

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 29, 2020

You can’t. It’s cancelled.

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Spooky Time??

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 29, 2020

As we embark on this spooky spooky time,

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Recognizing odds stacked against them, Fighting Illini resort to biological warfare

By Nick Rawling | Oct. 22, 2020

UW-Madison Football Team Rushing the Field to Avoid Contamination Using the Axe as Protection.

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Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusion

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020

As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.

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UWPD says outrage misguided since thousands spent on crowd-control weapons actually way less than they wanted to spend

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020

This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.

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Girl who lives out of van to “find herself” is disappointed

By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 15, 2020

The trailer home Kelly thought she was getting.