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Chime
By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020My bed lamp was my only companion, as I sat in anticipation
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Trump Supporters call for statehood of Puerto Rico after losing electoral college
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 5, 2020To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.
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List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party
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Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.
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Zodiac inspired Halloween costumes: Almanac Edition
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 29, 2020Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
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A guide to celebrating Halloween during a pandemic
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 29, 2020You can’t. It’s cancelled.
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Recognizing odds stacked against them, Fighting Illini resort to biological warfare
By Nick Rawling | Oct. 22, 2020UW-Madison Football Team Rushing the Field to Avoid Contamination Using the Axe as Protection.
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Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusion
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.
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UWPD says outrage misguided since thousands spent on crowd-control weapons actually way less than they wanted to spend
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.
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Girl who lives out of van to “find herself” is disappointed
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 15, 2020The trailer home Kelly thought she was getting.
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UWPD lashes out at ASM Chair with very high degree of confidence
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 15, 2020In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.
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In lieu of canceled presidential debate, Fox News to just air ninety minutes of Trump screaming at a Mr. Potato Head
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 15, 2020The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.
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Coasties against climate change
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 8, 2020A wave of support for climate change legislation erupted from the streets of Madison last week in response to the string of wildfires on the West Coast.
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Johnson aides unsure how to tell ‘anti-mask’ boss that a moon suit is just a stupid mask
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 8, 2020One small step for Ron Johnson, one giant leap backwards for mankind.
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ASM to hold next ‘No Confidence’ vote in Ian’s Mac & Cheese Pizza
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 8, 2020One week after their bold decision to vote “no confidence” in the UW-Madison Police Department, Associated Students of Madison have moved to voice their disapproval for another problematic institution at the university.
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Debate drinking game: Almanac edition
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 1, 2020Trumps first SCOTUS candidate, Brett Kavanaugh, joining in on the drinking game fun because he still likes beer.
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Man wants to jump off bridge after Presidential Debate but doesn’t trust structural integrity of America’s bridges
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.
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Lincoln: “Nobody asked me if I wanted to be removed – because I do”
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.
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UWPD arrests all members of ASM to show how well they can do job following 'No Confidence' vote
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020UWPD officers arrested all members of ASM Wednesday morning to show how well they can do their job following the campus organization’s vote of No Confidence in UWPD on Tuesday night.
