The Beet
THE BEET
Nine ways to get UW-Madison vaccinated — with and without force
By Hannah Ritvo | Feb. 25, 2021Every day, vaccination access is becoming more widespread. However, we all know some people who swear they will never get the COVID-19 vaccine. Chad from your business class, the girl on your floor who was a little too into the moon landing being fake or maybe the entirety of PIKE. Thus, the UW-Madison administration must decide if they will make the vaccination a requirement for returning to school in the fall. Here are nine ways Becky and the administration can incentive the student body to get vaccinated.
THE BEET
Donald Trump Bought Some Really Weird Shit
By Gillian Rawling | Feb. 25, 2021The day of reckoning for Donald J. Trump has finally arrived: This week the New York tyrant’s tax returns were released to the public and the Department of Justice is at last able to expose the scamming, cheating scum he really is.
THE BEET
Yet Another Mediocre White Man Decides to Launch a Podcast
By Nick Rawling | Feb. 25, 2021Forced to come of age in an era characterized by near-ubiquitous economic insecurity, ecological catastrophe and the slow collapse of a once-hegemonic empire, UW junior Brett Brungle has decided to confront his bleak reality the only way he knows how to: start a podcast.
THE BEET
UW Chancellor announces she'll take COVID-19 into her own hands
By Gillian Rawling | Feb. 18, 2021If you haven’t gotten tested for Coronavirus with the safer-badger app up until this point, you may have received an email from the university asking you to go.
THE BEET
Fuck that Groundhog
By Hannah Ritvo | Feb. 18, 2021There’s one thing Wisconsinites are feeling this week, and that’s hatred for Punxsutawney Phil. The infamous groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter, and with subzero temperatures rolling in this week, it is clear that the groundhog had insider knowledge.
THE BEET
Climate scientists forced to admit global warming actually was a hoax all along
By Nick Rawling | Feb. 18, 2021In the midst of a record cold snap causing power outages and deaths across the country, some Americans with unmatched critical thinking skills are once again asking: How globe warming if cold outside?
THE BEET
Almanac’s official guide to being single on Valentine's Day.
By Gillian Rawling | Feb. 11, 2021For some, this weekend means roses, chocolate, dropping loads of money on dinners, and best of all: gifted squishmallows. Couples will be swept away by the spirit and whimsy of the holiday and enjoy themselves on intimate dates, relishing the one-on-one time that only COVID-19 can provide.
THE BEET
Wisconsin Senate decides they are over COVID-19
By Hannah Ritvo | Feb. 11, 2021The Wisconsin Senate voted Tuesday to repeal the statewide mask mandate. If this mask mandate is abolished, Wisconsin will be joining a list of other memorable states without federal mask mandates. Gracing this list are Alabama, Oklahoma, Missouri and Nebraska, all states people spend their lives dreaming of visiting.
THE BEET
Tom Brady’s soul pact with the devil, collusion with Roger Goodell continue to pay dividends
By Nick Rawling | Feb. 11, 2021Any football fan who’s been paying attention the last 20 years knew exactly how this was going to go, even if they wouldn’t let themselves admit it.
THE BEET
Stock Market Rocks Madison
By Hannah Ritvo | Feb. 4, 2021Greek row was shaken from the Gamestop debacle
THE BEET
I Tried Coca-Cola With Coffee So You Don’t Have To
By Nick Rawling | Feb. 4, 2021Coca Cola w/ Coffee - The product in question
THE BEET
Groundhogs Day predictions: 6 more weeks of winter, detrimental climate change and a nonexistent end to the covid lockdown
By Gillian Rawling | Feb. 4, 2021Punxsutawney Phil sans mask
THE BEET
President Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Legalizing Drunk Driving
By Nick Rawling | Jan. 28, 2021Joe Biden kicks back with constituents before grabbing his keys to go home.
THE BEET
Things at UW-Madison that are harder to do than getting into the U.S. Capitol
By Em-J Krigsman | Jan. 28, 2021MAGA rioters are blocked at the doors of Kappa Epsilon Gamma by both Chad and Brad after not making the list
THE BEET
Panasidis the Great
By Anupras Mohapatra | Jan. 28, 2021In great Ancient Greece there lived a rabble rouser
THE BEET
Hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne that somehow further accentuates her jawline
By Jordan Simon | Dec. 10, 2020In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.
THE BEET
Experts speculate that Covid-19 causes permanent brain damage after seeing Paul Chryst’s performance Saturday
By Gillian Rawling | Dec. 10, 2020It has been a disappointing past two weeks for Badger fans, to say the least. Some have been able to chalk it up to bad luck and a couple of questionable plays, but medical experts speculate that it could be much more consequential.
THE BEET
Almanac editor leaves position, embarks on intergalactic expedition in search of new species that like his writing
By Jordan Simon | Dec. 10, 2020After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.
THE BEET
How to deal with having COVID-19 at home
By Joe Rickles | Dec. 3, 2020If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.
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