The Beet

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Bucky catches Chancellor Becky Blank with Willie the Wildcat, asks for amicable separation

Becky has been a cheat and Bucky has had it up to fucking here.

Camp Randall student section to be named after student who swallowed own vomit

Camp Randall student section seats set to be named after nauseated Junior.

A bold approach to climate change

Ocean demon decides it's in everyone's best interest to accept that climate change will destroy us all.

Campus Rumor: Chancellor Rebecca Blank is lactose-intolerant, rude to cows

Rebecca Blank is a poser and a fake Wisconsin dairy fan and now everyone knows it.

Students report wanting to go back on Zoom after actually having to shower now

Students have to shower now and their classmates are pissed that they aren’t.

Michigan Football Coach Jim Harbaugh changes pants for first time in six years

"I want to look my best for my first ever win in Madison,” Harbaugh explained to reporters.

UWPD allegedly baiting students into jaywalking with Spotted Cow, New Glarus Brewing Co. now facing shortage

So far, the bait has been very successful. As of Sept. 29, about 30% of the student population has received a citation. 

Pfizer booster encouraged for certain groups, loud eaters asked to refrain

Medical experts have made it very clear — if you don’t consume food quietly as though there are others around you with the ability to hear, you can sit the booster shot (and those in the future) out.

Texas’ economic growth attributed to sharp increase in hanger sales

While wood is generally considered to be the best material for hangers due to its sturdiness, almost all of the new orders have been for wire hangers.

Norm MacDonald welcomed to Heaven, immediately sent to Hell

God reportedly told the comedian to “go to Hell.”

Lila

A short story and essay dedicated to a beloved cat, Lila, who passed away over the weekend.

Nicholas Recreation Center to be turned into campus nightclub

Administrative figures within “the Nick” have proposed a solution that would not only reduce the dense population, but contribute to the University's bottom line. 

Student wearing mask incorrectly somehow figures out how to use campus elevator

A dumber than rocks student is getting a second chance at education at the University of Wisconsin- Madison despite breaking mask protocol.

UW-Madison experiences sharp decrease in friendship as students forget that people can hear them talk shit during in-person classes

Students and faculty at UW-Madison are having a hard time adjusting to in-person learning after months of screaming at a screen to vent their frustrations.

UW Sorority facing backlash after ‘tasteless’ party theme

A cornerstone Greek life tradition for UW-Madison sorority chapters is bid day. All the PNMs open their bid envelopes to find out their fated new ‘sisters’, which ends in either excited screams or destitute tears, after which the girls are told to “run home” to celebrate their newfound comradery.

Gun shop giving out punch cards for mass shootings

It’s a tradition older than the fries on the floor of a 1996 Pontiac Grand Prix. For decades, many businesses have offered their loyal customers punch cards to reward them for emptying their pockets for products that likely cost the same amount to produce as the slip of paper itself. Often, however, the punch cards go missing before they’re able to be completed. One business has decided to change that.

Facebook Aunts and Uncles Across the Country Poison Themselves With Livestock Medicine to Own the Libs

Disclaimer: I fully recognize that this fruit is as low-hanging as it gets, and frankly, it feels like cheating for me to use it as Almanac material. But I had writer’s block, and my only other idea involved vivid descriptions of Ruth Bader Ginsberg banging Antonin Scalia in the Afterlife, so you’re welcome.  

Yellowed Pages

 In a box under the bed 

Pro-vaxx UW-Madison Chancellor Strikes Again

After Week of Chaos, Joe Biden Orders Re-Invasion of Afghanistan

As mask mandates return, ICU beds fill to capacity with dying children and another soft lockdown looms, one issue is on the minds of Americans’ this week: important gains have been lost in Afghanistan’s Uruzgan province.