THE BEET
What different celebrities have for a post-sex snack
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 24, 2022No celebrity dieticians here
The Beet
THE BEET
Chancellor Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat seen on hot and heavy Valentine’s Day escapade
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 24, 2022Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat's Valentine's Day outing scars students, further solidifying the fact that this is Bucky's campus
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Woman breaks up with fiancé after discovering he eats Trix cereal — ‘I thought he was a man, not a kid’
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 23, 2022After catching her fiance eating the cereal, Stacy Morgan had to face the fact that Trix are for kids.
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Juwan Howard slaps doctor after medical assistant tests blood pressure: ‘I had to protect myself’
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 21, 2022Following Juwan Howard's outburst after the Michigan menu's basketball team lost to Wisconsin, previous victims speak out.
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UW campus site of gruesome murder, authorities posit likely cause
By Aycia Tevris | Feb. 17, 2022Cucumber found maimed, foul play assumed.
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Melting, mud-crusted snowman reminds passersby of youth’s fleeting nature
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 16, 2022How long do I really have left? Am I closer to being six feet underground than I am to being the age where I woke up on a snow day and played outside before cozying up in a warm blanket, drinking a hot chocolate?
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UW-Madison average GPA, attendance skyrockets after fake IDs fail to scan
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 15, 2022Grades and attendance have improved since underage students were left without working fake IDs, but not without cost.
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Couple enters committed relationship after meeting in Kwik Trip candy aisle
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 14, 2022"I noticed that he was looking back and forth between the Kit Kats and the Hershey bars. I couldn't help but think, 'If I were this guy's girlfriend, we could buy one of each and share.'"
THE BEET
Mediocre white man rightfully earns Hollywood star
By Angela Glowacki | Feb. 10, 2022“I just drunk tweeted that I wanted one and the internet shit its pants.”
THE BEET
TikTok users successfully push to bring back GE 1964 Americana Refrigerator
By Jeffrey Brown | Feb. 10, 2022Originating on Twitter, TikTok users have successfully swayed General Electric to bring back the 1964 GE Americana Refrigerator.
THE BEET
Joe Manchin nabs Best Actor Oscar nomination for role of ‘politician who just thinks we should hear each other out’
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 9, 2022It's exceedingly rare for someone who has had zero hand in any film to earn an Oscar nomination, let alone someone who is doing guerilla-style acting in their day-to-day life under their own name.
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NFL considering cancelling Super Bowl LVI due to growing concern that Bengals, Lions fans are too happy
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 8, 2022“We can have one underdog to keep the people interested, but two? That disrupts everything.”
THE BEET
Daily Cardinal office mice to be exterminated after conclusion that they have no potential to be chefs
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022Over the last two months, a mischief of mice has emerged in The Daily Cardinal office. During this period, the rodents have received reactions ranging from abject fear to calls for them to become office pets.
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Tom Brady’s TB12 diet altered to include Pop-Tarts, Domino’s, margaritas following retirement
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022Immediately following his retirement from the National Football League, Tom Brady has altered his widely-touted TB12 Method.
THE BEET
Ben Roethlisberger retires to spend more time with the birds that live in his beard
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022Citing the short lifespan of small wild birds, Ben Roethlisberger has decided to retire from the NFL to spend more time with the birds that live in his beard.
THE BEET
Chumbawamba's 'Tubthumping' now playing on constant loop in campus bathrooms
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022University officials respond to public bathroom anxiety by installing speakers to play the 1997 hit.
THE BEET
Bucky Badger sets off Camp Randall fire alarm after forgetting gopher in oven
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 1, 2022Bucky Badger forgot to take the traditional post-win gopher he planned to eat out of the oven, setting off Camp Randall's fire alarm.
THE BEET
Ways to enjoy a Madison winter
By Mackenzie Beam | Jan. 31, 2022Your friends at the Almanac have compiled some tips and tricks to help you lead a productive and rewarding winter.
THE BEET
Have people considered not dying?
By Jeffrey Brown | Jan. 27, 2022During a time of emerging COVID-19 variants and exhausted medical workers, those who fall into at-risk groups should just consider not dying.
THE BEET
The omicron variant is milder than we thought
By Jeffrey Brown | Jan. 27, 2022In the face of the potentially less lethal omicron variant, the CDC is basing guidelines on best-case scenarios.
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