Almanac - The Daily Cardinal

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Spooky Time?

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 31, 2019

A spooky Halloween poem.

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Stubborn, obsessive child insists on being the goddamn blue power ranger for the third Halloween in a row

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 31, 2019

Simpson's Power Ranger stance.

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Despite tireless production, candy corn sits untouched on shelves for yet another year

By Bailey Hills | Oct. 31, 2019

Devilish candy corn staring you down intensely, daring you to have a taste while it collects dust in your mother's decorative Halloween dish

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In need of a last-minute Halloween costume? Almanac has you covered!

By Jordan Simon , Mira Gollard and Bailey Hills | Oct. 24, 2019

Looking for an incredible last-minute Halloween costume like "Sexy King Henry VIII" or "Flamingo Run"? Look no further!

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Elements

By Anupras Mohapatra | Oct. 17, 2019

Humans are the most profound pieces of literature

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All content contributors to UW-Madison meme page win Nobel Prize for literature

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 17, 2019

All contributing content members from the infamous "UW-Madison Memes for Milk-Chugging Teens" become recipients of the Nobel Prize for Literature.

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Lizzo DNA test results leaked, reveals she is only 98.63 percent That Bitch

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 17, 2019

Lizzo faces much controversy following the leak of her DNA test.

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Dumb baby wearing "I will change the world" t-shirt accused of not knowing anything about poverty, climate change or humankind's inherent evil

By Bailey Hills | Oct. 10, 2019

Dumb, ignorant baby defiantly tries to prove that he can in fact keep his head up during tummy time.

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Seasons

By Anupras Mohapatra | Oct. 10, 2019

"There's seasons all around us."

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Bucky Badger comes out as a furry

By Allyson Fergot | Oct. 10, 2019

Bucky running from all his haters.

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Anonymous whistleblower report reveals Trump committed crimes against humanity

By Nick Rawling | Oct. 10, 2019

In wake of striking accusations against Trump in anonymous whistleblower report, some still want to be friends.

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Riding the 80: an etiquette handbook

By Bailey Hills | Oct. 3, 2019

A rare photograph of the 80 when all of the etiquette rules are followed.

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Madison area study reveals teen pregnancy rate among males has been stagnant for years

By Madison Moore | Oct. 3, 2019

Pregnant teen male.

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Smartass wants everyone to know he's confused why The Daily Cardinal is only published once per week

By Jordan Simon | Oct. 3, 2019

Smartass wants everyone to know he’s confused why he can only find The Daily Cardinal on stands once a week.

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Dear Beauty

By Je La Anjale Que Walton | Sep. 26, 2019

Dear Beauty, so often so judgemental on the outskirts of am I enough? do I focus on your definition or what society has defined you as or better yet my definition of you yourself and I am reminded of chiseled lines and opposite parentheticals not of my own appearance but of who I have defined as enough not because you said so but because i’ve ignored your message of free defining of free will to be your name and in retrospect my definition has created a push for my own aesthetic for my own existence and worth allowing judgement free judgement leaving a contradicting love for you and of me for your definition never used a limit and here I have because ease is a better pain than acceptance and i’d rather hold what is filled in my sack than to confront your truth to reframe my mind to know what I knew before and to repeat your name in the remembrance of my great grandmother before me and how you both whispered to my mother’s womb there is no such thing as enough

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Well-known chain coffee shop's disappointing rewards program forces members to redefine 'loyalty'

By Bailey Hills | Sep. 19, 2019

“In my book, loyalty is a two-way street,” “My cheating ex-husband has more integrity,” and “Capitalism must die!” are just a few of the remarks from frustrated members of a well-known chain coffee shop’s loyalty program.