As Wisconsin weather slowly gets more and more ridiculous, problems typically reserved for the winter months are becoming prevalent once again for students on their daily commute.
Denver, CO 2023 – Reports from across the state confirm that hundreds of autonomous vehicles are barreling across the canyons and plains of the wild, wild west, causing damage and turmoil and every juncture. The stampede began at a driverless car lot near Fort Morgan when a young Ford Taurus was set off by a nearby shotgun blast.
The San Diego Padres baseball game was capped by a convoy of cement trucks, oversize cranes, and trucks bearing the first supports of what will be the major infrastructural commitment of the new administration to the United States.
“I just really want to be an inspiration for all girls that will follow in my footsteps,” UW student Sarah Johnson triumphantly captioned her most recent photo of her and her ridiculously hot friends at the Women’s March. “A lot of people say that I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of myself in only nipple tassels, but that is not what this is about.
“Why are kids so mean mom?” Paul Ryan said, calling his Mom Wednesday night, crying. Elizabeth Ryan tried to console her distressed son. “It’s okay, my special boy, what happened?” Struggling through his messy tears, Paul said, “They picked on me.
Two Thursdays ago, Vince Staples came out in an all black outfit and a Kevlar vest, prepared to entertain a roaring crowd. In the beginning of his thirty-minute set, as he began one of his many signature songs heavy with subjectively offensive lyrical content, he jumped back in surprise near the chorus line of the song. When the majority of the white crowd echoed the chorus intended for an African-American audience, it appeared that Staples was hit multiple times with bullets.
In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below. “Yeah, we don’t care,” a spokeswoman for United said in a press statement the following evening.
Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them. “It’s a major leap forward in enhancing the customer experience.” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
“Vines that keep me from ending it all”, “Vines that cured my depression”, and “Vines that really butter my crispy flake”: the threads of 6-second videos of pure glee and bliss can be found on nearly every form of social media.
Ah, the Pentagon Papers. Every high school learns about them in the shittiest and shortest way possible to ensure that every student can act like they know what they are, but, in reality, have absolutely no idea.
One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester. Greg or Tony or Chris or whatever his name is (you don’t know, his body odor is too strong to bother with learning his name) is a running joke.
For those of you who are not familiar with Short Stack Eatery (sucks for you), you may not be aware of how convoluted their hours are.
The UW Housing directorate announced early last week that the options available to students have expanded with the addition of the “Opulence” plan to the UW dining halls.
This past weekend, Kylie Jenner, another indistinguishable member of the Kardashian Kult, announced her intent to devote all of her spare time to the care of her newborn child. The decision to abstain from excessing posting exemplified unprecedented consideration and maturity, especially from someone whose worth has repeatedly been determined by how her butt looks in any given mirror selfie. “Motherhood does that to people, I guess,” an observer absentmindedly commented on Jenner’s Instagram following news of the birth.
Reports that Mother Earth has been planning to oust the human race have been appearing more and more frequently in The Daily Cardinal office.
As a decorated war hero was set to return to his home country after many ongoing years of relentlessly brutal combat, only to realize that his return home would not be as simple as he had expected. “All twelve ships holding my crew got caught in a set of violent storms, then we got captured by a cyclops that blamed us for his daddy issues,” Greek hero Odysseus of Ithaca described his journey.
The government shutdown this weekend had several factions tinkering with ways to potentially remedy the government’s plights.
In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem. “The Twitter team has assembled some guidelines to using Twitter,” Dorsey tweeted Saturday, followed by a comprehensive guide to the use of the service.