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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, February 26, 2021

Almanac

Madison local Generic White Person pictured identifying with Staples’ music.
ALMANAC

Two weeks after his concert, Vince Staples still in shock over Madison’s “whiteness”

Two Thursdays ago, Vince Staples came out in an all black outfit and a Kevlar vest, prepared to entertain a roaring crowd.  In the beginning of his thirty-minute set, as he began one of his many signature songs heavy with subjectively offensive lyrical content, he jumped back in surprise near the chorus line of the song.  When the majority of the white crowd echoed the chorus intended for an African-American audience, it appeared that Staples was hit multiple times with bullets.


Two girls pause to take a selfie as they plunge to their untimely deaths.
ALMANAC

United passengers stage mid-flight walkout amidst latest controversial aviation dispute

In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below.  “Yeah, we don’t care,” a spokeswoman for United said in a press statement the following evening.


A proposed logo for Amazon’s latest surveillance technolo- oops, we mean, Amazon’s latest convenience service.
ALMANAC

Amazon algorithm to begin making purchases for you

Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them.  “It’s a major leap forward in enhancing the customer experience.” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.


ALMANAC

Smelliest student on your floor takes first shower of the semester

One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester. Greg or Tony or Chris or whatever his name is (you don’t know, his body odor is too strong to bother with learning his name) is a running joke.


Face Beauty Pink Lipstick Makeup Cosmetics
ALMANAC

Another celebrity had a baby, expected to never affect any of us on a personal level

This past weekend, Kylie Jenner, another indistinguishable member of the Kardashian Kult, announced her intent to devote all of her spare time to the care of her newborn child.  The decision to abstain from excessing posting exemplified unprecedented consideration and maturity, especially from someone whose worth has repeatedly been determined by how her butt looks in any given mirror selfie. “Motherhood does that to people, I guess,” an observer absentmindedly commented on Jenner’s Instagram following news of the birth.


Odysseus pictured rolling his eyes while speaking of his home country.
ALMANAC

Hero seeking return to home country faces 10 year delay, blames economy

As a decorated war hero was set to return to his home country after many ongoing years of relentlessly brutal combat, only to realize that his return home would not be as simple as he had expected. “All twelve ships holding my crew got caught in a set of violent storms, then we got captured by a cyclops that blamed us for his daddy issues,” Greek hero Odysseus of Ithaca described his journey.


The little birdie is causing global turmoil and is loving every second.
ALMANAC

How to use Twitter and not set off geopolitical havoc

In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem. “The Twitter team has assembled some guidelines to using Twitter,” Dorsey tweeted Saturday, followed by a comprehensive guide to the use of the service.


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