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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Almanac

Cardinal staffers have long been practicing their celebration moves for when they inevitably win again this Saturday. 
ALMANAC

Gentle Clowns accused of theft as they try (and fail) to steal Dirty Birds’ softball crown

Scandal has broken out days before the annual Daily Cardinal/Badger Herald softball game, with multiple sources confirming that the Herald has taken the unprecedented step of stealing Cardinal plays and strategies. After ripping off the Cardinal’s news stories, feature stories, photos, graphics, arts stories, opinion stories, sports stories and ads, it appears the Herald figured they might as well extend their content strategy to its logical conclusion and also steal The Dirty Bird’s softball plans. “The good news is that, because the Herald copies our news stories three weeks late, they’ll probably show up to play in the softball game sometime in mid-June,” said City News Editor Max “I May Be Toothless But My Journalism Isn’t” Bayer.


Madison local Generic White Person pictured identifying with Staples’ music.
ALMANAC

Two weeks after his concert, Vince Staples still in shock over Madison’s “whiteness”

Two Thursdays ago, Vince Staples came out in an all black outfit and a Kevlar vest, prepared to entertain a roaring crowd.  In the beginning of his thirty-minute set, as he began one of his many signature songs heavy with subjectively offensive lyrical content, he jumped back in surprise near the chorus line of the song.  When the majority of the white crowd echoed the chorus intended for an African-American audience, it appeared that Staples was hit multiple times with bullets.


Two girls pause to take a selfie as they plunge to their untimely deaths.
ALMANAC

United passengers stage mid-flight walkout amidst latest controversial aviation dispute

In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below.  “Yeah, we don’t care,” a spokeswoman for United said in a press statement the following evening.


A proposed logo for Amazon’s latest surveillance technolo- oops, we mean, Amazon’s latest convenience service.
ALMANAC

Amazon algorithm to begin making purchases for you

Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them.  “It’s a major leap forward in enhancing the customer experience.” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.


ALMANAC

Smelliest student on your floor takes first shower of the semester

One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester. Greg or Tony or Chris or whatever his name is (you don’t know, his body odor is too strong to bother with learning his name) is a running joke.



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