Madison police are now accepting get out of jail free cards from the game “Monopoly” as valid for real jail, not just the imaginary jail of the game.
A recent outbreak of the dreaded meat sweats has paralyzed the residents of the dorm floor below you.
Scandal has broken out days before the annual Daily Cardinal/Badger Herald softball game, with multiple sources confirming that the Herald has taken the unprecedented step of stealing Cardinal plays and strategies. After ripping off the Cardinal’s news stories, feature stories, photos, graphics, arts stories, opinion stories, sports stories and ads, it appears the Herald figured they might as well extend their content strategy to its logical conclusion and also steal The Dirty Bird’s softball plans. “The good news is that, because the Herald copies our news stories three weeks late, they’ll probably show up to play in the softball game sometime in mid-June,” said City News Editor Max “I May Be Toothless But My Journalism Isn’t” Bayer.
The transition from high school to college is unarguably a difficult one, as newfound independence is often accompanied with procrastination, unhealthy habits, and regrettable decisions.
Many questions are being asked of Mark Zuckerberg. The 33-year-old CEO testified in front of Congress on Tuesday and Wednesday about the data harvesting of 50 million Facebook users by a British political consulting firm, Cambridge Analytica, and other privacy concerns brought about by the Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election.
As Wisconsin weather slowly gets more and more ridiculous, problems typically reserved for the winter months are becoming prevalent once again for students on their daily commute.
Denver, CO 2023 – Reports from across the state confirm that hundreds of autonomous vehicles are barreling across the canyons and plains of the wild, wild west, causing damage and turmoil and every juncture. The stampede began at a driverless car lot near Fort Morgan when a young Ford Taurus was set off by a nearby shotgun blast.
The San Diego Padres baseball game was capped by a convoy of cement trucks, oversize cranes, and trucks bearing the first supports of what will be the major infrastructural commitment of the new administration to the United States.
“I just really want to be an inspiration for all girls that will follow in my footsteps,” UW student Sarah Johnson triumphantly captioned her most recent photo of her and her ridiculously hot friends at the Women’s March. “A lot of people say that I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of myself in only nipple tassels, but that is not what this is about.
“Why are kids so mean mom?” Paul Ryan said, calling his Mom Wednesday night, crying. Elizabeth Ryan tried to console her distressed son. “It’s okay, my special boy, what happened?” Struggling through his messy tears, Paul said, “They picked on me.
Two Thursdays ago, Vince Staples came out in an all black outfit and a Kevlar vest, prepared to entertain a roaring crowd. In the beginning of his thirty-minute set, as he began one of his many signature songs heavy with subjectively offensive lyrical content, he jumped back in surprise near the chorus line of the song. When the majority of the white crowd echoed the chorus intended for an African-American audience, it appeared that Staples was hit multiple times with bullets.
In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below. “Yeah, we don’t care,” a spokeswoman for United said in a press statement the following evening.
Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them. “It’s a major leap forward in enhancing the customer experience.” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
“Vines that keep me from ending it all”, “Vines that cured my depression”, and “Vines that really butter my crispy flake”: the threads of 6-second videos of pure glee and bliss can be found on nearly every form of social media.
Ah, the Pentagon Papers. Every high school learns about them in the shittiest and shortest way possible to ensure that every student can act like they know what they are, but, in reality, have absolutely no idea.
One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester. Greg or Tony or Chris or whatever his name is (you don’t know, his body odor is too strong to bother with learning his name) is a running joke.
For those of you who are not familiar with Short Stack Eatery (sucks for you), you may not be aware of how convoluted their hours are.
The UW Housing directorate announced early last week that the options available to students have expanded with the addition of the “Opulence” plan to the UW dining halls.