Jones' 5 tips for UW life
Welcome to the Universidad de Wisconsin-Madison. I am Michael Jones, otherwise known as that weird guy who sits in your class and smells like feet.
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Welcome to the Universidad de Wisconsin-Madison. I am Michael Jones, otherwise known as that weird guy who sits in your class and smells like feet.
Unless you're a CS major, friends are your reason for staying here at UW-Madison. They're the reasons you get up so early, or stay up so late. Depending on who you are, they can be your greatest fans, or your greatest critics. And we all have different kinds of friends. Not every friend is alike, and there are varying levels of friendship. The noted philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy, once commented, \A friend might bail you out of jail at 2 a.m., but your best friend is sitting in jail with you.""
While most people were contracting some sort of STD over spring break, I headed home for some rest and relaxation. After weeks of sleepless nights of studying and picking fights with drunk alumni on State Street, I was looking forward to sleeping for 12 hours a day at home. Supplemented with another six or so hours of television, I was sound as a pound.
I'm from Minnesota, but I was born in Milwaukee. I spent my youth there until I moved to the suburbs of St. Paul. I have always been a Wisconsin sports fan. I have always cheered for the Pack, even through the times I thought Anthony Dilweg should've replaced Don Majkowski. I have an unhealthy affinity for cheese and beer, which gets me in trouble with the Madison police when I try to hock the cheesy beer that I produce and can myself. (Apparently, you need something called a \liquor license"" in Madison. Fascists.) I even registered to vote in Wisconsin ever since media whore Jesse Ventura decided to bring his greasy frame to Minnesota politics.
I am a fat man. No, that won't do. I am a very fat man. There's a few criteria which one needs to meet in order to be placed in the pantheon of obesity:
Going into last Sunday, I was feeling really good. I got a lot of compliments for my column. Compliments like, \This time, your column didn't suck at all, which is very strange for you!"" I also finished my column Sunday night, thus looking forward to a week of not worrying about what to write.
The first week of every semester brings forth new subjects, new classmates and new ways to fall asleep in your power lecture. For instance, I have fallen asleep four times in one lecture'a new high! There are however, familiar aspects of our college life such as friends, hangouts and places in which to pass out. I personally endorse the corner of Park and Johnson where college freshmen, coming from the latest disappointment of a party at College Court, will poke you with sticks until you bleed.
This Sunday, the Wisconsin women's basketball team will play to a sellout crowd at the Kohl Center for the first time in team history. More than 17,000 fans will \Cram the Kohl"" to watch the Badgers take on the Golden Gophers of Minnesota. As of Jan. 16, Wisconsin has a 15-1 overall record including a 6-0 conference record, their best start ever. Notching 14-straight victories, the team is also in the middle of their longest winning streak in history. The Badgers are also fifth in the polls, breaking the top 10 for the first time since 1998.
So what did I do for my winter break? Like many of you, I spent it at my family home in the Bahamas, swimming with the dolphins. Well, that's not totally true. Replace the Bahamas with Minnesota and the ocean with a frozen lake. Plus, replace the dolphins with that weird man who seems to act like he lives there and calls me by my first name. Wait a minute, that's my dad. All aside, I was away from the hustle and bustle of Madtown.
To be perfectly honest, 2001 really sucked for me'mediocre grades, the increasing fear of dying if I board an airplane or open a letter and the girl I've been seeing upping the restraining order from 100 to 500 yards. But there is one thing that I'm grateful for this year.
The road to San Diego commenced at the UW Field House this weekend. The Wisconsin volleyball team (27-3) hosted the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament, starting its journey back to the championship game.
This year for Thanksgiving, I'm going home like many students. However, I'm not getting the same feeling of giddy anticipation I got last year at this time. In fact, I'm a little weary of going home.
After months of blood, sweat, and tears, the Wisconsin men's soccer team's season came to an end thanks to an errant pass.
Ah, November!
On this Wisconsin campus, there are people who are leaders in their respective academic fields. Stem cells, political theory, etc., UW-Madison houses some of the most brilliant minds of the day. However, you will not find the works of our greatest minds in a lab or a classroom. They are on the stalls of the 4th floor men's bathroom in Van Hise Hall.
The Michigan State-Wisconsin rivalry has burned white-hot for the last two years. It began when a harmless prank by Bucky Badger drew bad blood with MSU which is still running through both teams today. Last year, Jim Sorgi threw a 45-yard touchdown pass to Lee Evans with 29 seconds left in the game as the Badgers pulled out a 17-10 victory in East Lansing.
The weekend of Oct. 5-7 was the worst weekend I have ever experienced in Madison. The Cardinal lost to the Herald in overtime. The Badgers were beaten like a rented mule by Indiana, of all teams. The Packers lost to Tampa Bay. And I had three midterms in three consecutive days to look forward to. I wandered around the Lodge and contemplated taking out my clown punching bag and beating it until it was crippled. However, I found my salvation in 'Goal.'
In 1890, Benjamin Harrison was president and Wyoming celebrated becoming the 44th state in the Union.
On Oct. 1, 2000, I embarked upon a quest that taught me more about myself and my limitations than anything else could have. It tested all of my physical and psychological abilities to no end. It was and will always be one of the most defining moments in my life.
Since 1994, the Wisconsin men's soccer team has compiled a 0-3-3 record against Marquette University.