I am a fat man. No, that won't do. I am a very fat man. There's a few criteria which one needs to meet in order to be placed in the pantheon of obesity:
1. Have you had two dinners on more than one occasion'when you weren't high?
2. Have you wrapped two items of food which have no place being combined (i.e. an orange slice with a slice of bacon)?
3. Does walking up two or more flights of stairs require a break halfway up?
4. Was the last time you were able to do a sit-up when Pogs were cool?
There are other requirements, but I won't bore you with them. Instead, I'll bore you about how weight has affected me.
There are many cons about being unhealthily overweight. It limits my Halloween costume choices to either the Nutty Professor, Fat Albert or Al Roker. The last time I saw my toes, the Packers won the Super Bowl. And I look like a moron when I'm trudging up Observatory Hill on my moped going 8 mph. But there is one area where my gut has helped me: Meeting women. Oh yeah, do the ladies love the gut!
In all reality, it's unfair to say that women reject me solely on looks. Many times, it's my personality as well. Once I begin talking, roughly 70 percent ignore me, 29 percent claim lesbianism and 1 percent begin speaking Esperanto.
Me: \Hi, How are you doin'?""
Girl: ""Lis me sola!""
Actually, the worst part isn't being ignored by the ladies. It's those who tell me: ""Dude, all you need is more confidence."" But those who usually tell me that are in shape and thus they have no problem in the confidence department. I'm also afraid that if I faked my confidence, then I'd just be like one of those frosted-tipped dingbats on ""Elimidate.""
Brett: ""I'm a cashier at Abercrombie & Fitch who's five payments away from owning my new Kia Sportage. Bling, Bling! You know you want what I got!""
Alexi: ""Oh take me now, Brett!""
So, I decided to lose some weight. And I did it the truly American way: with a product on TV. I got one of those Ab-Rollers. The problem was not going down, it was finding the strength and leverage to push back up. So I spent 25 minutes prone on my floor sweating like a Turkish strongman while I did my darndest to raise myself up. I finally gave up and went to McDonald's and got a Big Mac.
Then it hit me'I'll go to Subway and lose weight like Jarod and Clay Henry, who apparently got big on burger and fries, now he's down to a smaller size! However, two things stifled my quest. One, I'm poor and would need to dance for nickels in order to make ends meet. And two, I don't really like Subway that much.
Finally I couldn't avoid it any longer and just decided to eat less and exercise more. I proudly walked into the SERF for the first time ever. And then I walked straight out when the only people that were working out there were in shape. What kind of crazy b.s. is that? If you're in shape, why are you working out? Come on, gain some pounds before you try to lose them.
Well, the moral of the story is that the life of the hefty is not all punch and pie. That and I'm too lazy and unmotivated to actually lose weight. But before you write an angry letter to me complaining about how I wasted your time with this column, you are forgetting one thing... liposuction.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!
