Going into last Sunday, I was feeling really good. I got a lot of compliments for my column. Compliments like, \This time, your column didn't suck at all, which is very strange for you!"" I also finished my column Sunday night, thus looking forward to a week of not worrying about what to write.
I submitted it to Al, my managing editor, to see if he liked it before I gave it to my actual boss. With his sensitive head tilt, Al could tell me that my column blew like a Texas cheerleader and I'd feel all right. It was a good column about a bad Valentine's Day experience that I had a few years back involving my car, a deer, a tree and a cup of hot coffee. Al said it looked great, and I went to sleep that night feeling like nothing could go wrong.
Then, Alan called Monday.
""Jonesy, Alan here. I was wondering if you could omit that part about clipping the deer with your car. The UW-Madison chapter of PETA sued us the last time someone wrote about hitting an animal.""
""But that's what happened.""
""I know, I know. If you just said that you didn't hit it, then we don't have to worry about PETA picketing the office.""
""Fine.""
Tuesday only got worse.
""Jonesy, Alan here. Could you take out that part about using the tree you hit for firewood? WisPIRG might picket us over burning a tree.""
""Geez, then my column sucks. Tell you what. I'll write another one about the joys of being a new uncle. Does that work?""
""Sure.""
Wednesday, Al called me.
""Jonesy, Alan here. Does your sister really need to be pregnant? That might offend our pro-choice constituents.""
""Oh, Christ Almighty!""
""What did you say?""
""I said 'Christ Almighty.'""
""You can't say that! Religion is not supposed to be mentioned on the grounds of a public university! Not even during conversations. We might be expelled!""
""Jesus, Al. Get a grip.""
""Stop saying that!""
So I wrote another one about buying Nikes and eating cheddar cheese.
Thursday, Alan called.
""Jonesy, it's Alan here. Two things about your column.""
""Oh good God...""
""WILL YOU PLEASE STOP USING THE 'G' WORD?!""
""What's wrong now?""
""The Student Labor Action Coalition is threatening to sue the Cardinal for you buying Nikes. That, and Students for the Use of Colby Cheese is threatening to picket our office for preferring cheddar in an article.""
""So SLAC and SUCC hate my column?""
""Them and the MCSC.""
""What? I didn't even mention MCSC in my column.""
""That's the thing. You didn't recognize their presence, thus they claim that you're being racist against minorities.""
""BUT I AM A MINORITY!""
""There's no reason to shout, Mike. Could you write something about how diversity is great for Wisconsin, or how sweatshops suck?""
""No.""
""ASM?""
""No.""
""How about a column about some athlete you knew in high school who's now slumming with a really crappy team?""
""Those columns always suck, though.""
""True. How about the First Amendment? Everyone agrees about the First Amendment.""
""Do they now? I've had to change a column in fear of PETA, WisPIRG, pro-choicers, SLAC, SUCC and the MCSC!""
""And your point is...?""
""Good Lord.""
