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(04/07/08 6:00am)
Now you didn't really think I was going to let April Fool's Day
pass by without mention, did you? I, with my incredibly overactive
imagination and love of all things remotely evil cannot resist such
a holiday of encouraged tomfoolery. It is one of my favorite
holidays, second only to the Fourth of July - a celebration for
both the birth of our nation and one of its most beloved residents,
me!
(03/31/08 6:00am)
Some of you may remember my bid for the presidency earlier this
year. You probably think I have given up because I haven't been on
the ballot in any state, my grassroots campaign has not spread
beyond my grandma and her bridge club and my campaign manager - the
half-eaten turkey sandwich we all know and love - mysteriously
disappeared while on a picnic with my friends.
(03/24/08 6:00am)
While many of my classmates were off to exciting locales and
carefree escapades for break, I returned home to enjoy the
nothingness that is southwest Wisconsin. There would be no Mexican
misadventures, no Floridian frolicking and absolutely nothing would
happen in Vegas, so it could all just stay there.
(03/10/08 6:00am)
(03/03/08 6:00am)
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. Although the following
announcement may be rather shocking, I ask you not to panic. Unless
panicking is the best way for you to unleash the angry villager
within, because we will need that mob-like mentality for the hunt.
(02/25/08 6:00am)
We've all had those nights. That night when you're at work, a
tragic calzone explosion has crushed troop morale and you just
swear that if you have to stock one more bottle of milk you are
going to smash your skull in a freezer door.
(02/18/08 6:00am)
With my major finally decided, my parents insisted it was time
to look into a certificate. Something that would make me stand out
from the sea of graduates when looking for a job. I knew exactly
what to search for. Unfortunately, piracy doesn't exist at
UW-Madison.
(02/11/08 6:00am)
As I climbed the stairs of the Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences
building, I could not resist an evil giggle. After weeks - nay,
months - of plotting, my evil scheme was about to be fulfilled. I
pulled the device from my trench coat and prepared to make
history.
(02/04/08 6:00am)
I convinced myself this semester was going to be the one. I set
my goals high and had all my supplies ready. No procrastinating, no
drawing doodles instead of taking notes and especially no selling
organs on the black market during lecture. It really throws off
your concentration.
(01/28/08 6:00am)
I returned home for Winter Break hoping to rest, relax and have
some good times with old friends. However, bad weather soon trapped
me indoors with my own thoughts. I feel my columns prove my
thoughts are often quite idiotic, and it wasn't long before I
plunged into insanity. Although I've come to my senses now, I
submit sections of my journal entries to take you down the path of
my dark demise.
(12/10/07 6:00am)
An old adage reminds us that we don't know what we got 'til it's
gone."" When the first big snowfall of the year brought war to the
Lakeshore dorms, we realized only too late the value of our lost
peace. Tension had been boiling under the surface for weeks, if not
months. The snow brought friends out to frolic, but a simple
territory dispute would bring a house to the brink of chaos - and
over the edge.
(12/03/07 6:00am)
My friends and I are in the midst of apartment hunting, and I
have had a very grave realization: I have absolutely no money.
None, nada, zilch. As far as I see it, there is only one option now
- a get-rich-quick scheme.
(11/26/07 6:00am)
After much deliberation, I have decided to go on strike. I have
been inspired by the Writers Guild of America strike to fight for
my own residual payments. The writers in Hollywood are demanding
payment for episodes viewed on the Internet. Companies make a
profit from ads running with these shows, and the writers see none
of this extra income. This is unacceptable.
(11/12/07 6:00am)
I tried wiping the dust and grime away with my sleeve. I could
see the engraving, though it had faded over who knows how many
years. I pulled out my cell phone to use as a light and held my
face just inches from the wall. Finally I had my answer: Sandy
loves Danny.
(11/05/07 6:00am)
I was sitting at dinner with a friend and was just in a terrible
mood. I had laryngitis and there was nothing that UHS could do for
me. I was way behind in homework and the last thing I should have
been doing was going out.
(10/29/07 6:00am)
My fellow Americans, I come before you today to make an
announcement that is going to fricking blow your minds. After
several exploratory committees and countless hours poured over
extensive research I have decided to throw my hat into the ring for
the presidency of this great and prosperous nation. This may come
as a shock to those near and dear to me, but I have been
considering it for a good 10 minutes now, and it really seems like
a good idea.
(10/15/07 6:00am)
I've been fighting it all my life. I can tell what people think
when they look at me, but I can't help it - I'm a hick trapped in a
big city.
(10/15/07 6:00am)
I've been fighting it all my life. I can tell what people think
when they look at me, but I can't help it - I'm a hick trapped in a
big city.
(10/08/07 6:00am)
When my friends Matt and Emily came to visit, I wanted to show
them the sites of Madison. Since Emily goes to Notre Dame, Camp
Randall was out - the thought of football brings her close to tears
these days - but we found plenty of other touristy things to do.
(09/24/07 6:00am)
The scene is set for a glorious reunion. My boyfriend is coming,
and we haven't seen each other in a month. He pulls up in his
truck, I get a kiss on the cheek and then we go inside to watch
Ocean's 11"" and fall asleep on the couch.