As I climbed the stairs of the Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences building, I could not resist an evil giggle. After weeks - nay, months - of plotting, my evil scheme was about to be fulfilled. I pulled the device from my trench coat and prepared to make history.
When we had our first snowfall this winter, I had been elated. Snow- ball fights, hot chocolate and the beauty of fresh-fallen snow made the chilly temperatures bearable.
However, winter soon turned from a playful friend into a cruel, heartless wench. Hail, freezing rain and mildly irritating mutant snowmen made walks to class agonizing and outside activities a distant memory. Even my adoration of hot chocolate could not soothe me.
Then winter increased her wrath tenfold. She would let spring sneak in for a day, with gorgeous days and temperatures in the 40s. Then whoosh! The wind swept in sub-zero temps the next day.
This reign of terror had to end, and I knew someone had to step up. It was then I began my beauty, my wonderful machine.
My project was a weather machine. Positioned on the highest building, I could control the weather for miles around. Winter's chokehold on our fair city would soon be released.
I slaved over her night and day. One day the flux capacitor would be right, but that would throw off the turbo cotigator. Hours would be toiled away over the turbo, only to find that its perfection disrupted the kelvinator. Its creation included exhausting days, sleepless nights and never-ending marathons of the Back to the Future"" trilogy for inspiration.
But one day, one fateful day, she was finished.
I burst onto the roof of AOS and began to position the machine. As if winter could feel its end nearing, the winds grew more powerful and the icy rain slapped my face. Just a few adjustments to the zumdometer and everything would be ready.
However, I could not let such a heroic moment pass by without a soliloquy. I threw my head back to face the sky.
""Oh vile winter, your time has come to an end. No longer shall you terrorize my friends and me. Prepare to greet the spring!""
On ""spring,"" I hit the button. Nothing happened. ""The spring!"" I cried again. Still nothing. I slammed the button with my fist, slapped the remote to my thigh, and shook it. ""The spring, the spring, the spring!"" I shrieked, but nothing worked.
I opened the back of the remote and my greatest fear was realized: I had forgotten the batteries. I searched my pockets, scanned the roof, prayed for the Energizer Bunny; anything was better than to admit defeat now.
I found them finally, buried in the fresh-fallen snow next to the machine. ""Ah winter, your tricks cannot stop destiny!"" I hollered to the heavens.
But as I reached for the batteries, the wind picked up and I lost my footing, plummeting over the side of the building. I roared, ""Curse you winter, CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"" as I fell to my impending doom.
Ironically, the depth of the snow bank I fell in saved my life. However, my mission had failed and for the second time this year a column idea had landed me in a hospital bed.
As I made my recovery, I slowly came to terms with the fact that I live in Wisconsin and whether I like it or not, winter was going to be around for a very long time. For now I just had to relax in my nice warm hospital bed and drink all the hot chocolate I could get.
Trying to relax, I flipped through the morning paper and saw the ten day forecast. Snow, sleet, doom, freezing rain, Armageddon, flurries and more snow.
CURSE YOU WINTER, CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
If you happen to have some AA batteries you are willing to donate to science, e-mail Megan at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
