Some of you may remember my bid for the presidency earlier this year. You probably think I have given up because I haven't been on the ballot in any state, my grassroots campaign has not spread beyond my grandma and her bridge club and my campaign manager - the half-eaten turkey sandwich we all know and love - mysteriously disappeared while on a picnic with my friends.
All these were tragic blows to my bid, but thanks to my opponent, Sen. Clinton, my campaign has new hope.
See, I didn't know we could lie in our efforts to become president. Sen. Clinton told reporters she had to skip the usual greeting ceremony and run from sniper fire while visiting Bosnia as the first lady 12 years ago. In reality, there was a nice little ceremony that was so safe Clinton brought her 15-year-old daughter along and was read a poem by a young girl.
Perhaps Clinton was confusing her visit with the movie Behind Enemy Lines."" Or maybe it was a very hostile poem and Clinton repressed the memory, opting to be shot at repeatedly rather than remember the poem a second longer. However, the BBC apparently liked the poem quite a bit, as they had plenty of video footage of the whole ceremony, which was quite sniper-less. Oops.
While Sen. Clinton is claiming she merely ""mis-spoke"" - these tiring campaigns do a number on your mind - she has thrown open the door for my campaign. As a lesser-known candidate, the press won't have video footage or press releases to combat my stories, which frees me to spin the tallest tales possible.
So, I think it is time to announce the ace up my sleeve, my sure-fire, heart-wrenching story of a girl trying to make it in this big old world, a story which is completely and utterly true.
You see, I was born into poverty. I didn't eat for the first seven years of my life and I slept outside with only the snow to cover me.
But hope kept me alive. I taught myself to read off of the aluminum cans I collected to make money. This is how Coca-Cola found me, and took this plucky young street urchin to star in a series of commercials and escalate her to stardom.
Unfortunately, all records of these commercials were lost in a fire some years ago, and all my money from the commercials was wasted on scratch-off lotto tickets and chocolate milk. I was a troubled child.
My past would have a significant effect on my schooling, and my thirst for knowledge was tremendous. I dedicated my time in the second through fifth grades to finding a solution to poverty. I haven't revealed my discovery because I don't want to seem cocky.
I also discovered the cure to cancer. That was in eighth grade, but there is a real whopper of a story to go with that one. See, I was transporting my discovery to an international science fair at Area 51.
Why there was an eighth grade science fair at a secret military base I will never know, but it was just asking for trouble. It was then terrorist aliens abducted me. Not only was I uncomfortably probed, but they kept my science project. My back up, the classic volcano project, was a dismal failure at the big show.
Then there is my secret knowledge of who really shot JFK - it was Colonel Mustard from the grassy knoll, with a ridiculously powerful revolver - how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop - 886 licks - and where Elvis is hiding out - a small motor home that tours the country with James Dean, Tupac and Marilyn Monroe.
Yes, I have led quite the life, and my seemingly limitless skill and knowledge make me a perfect candidate. True, I may not be able to act on all these skills once I get to the White House, seeing as they are all completely made up, but what president ever really does?
Sadly, Megan really has counted how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. If you would like to compare results, e-mail her at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
