Not-so-secretly homesick biology major Allen Markhoff, 19, committed a devastating error Tuesday afternoon, as—for the fourth time this semester—the anxious sophomore audibly, albeit inadvertently, referred to his professor as “Mom.”
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Although he is now six semesters and three single apartments removed from University Housing, UW-Madison senior Kyle Hinckley still feels highly disadvantaged because of his freshman dorm location in UW’s Lakeshore area.
So as finals dawn on us once again, many of you will be looking for ways to less productively divert your time and eradicate stress (while preserving brain cells). And while, as a film student, watching films “technically” counts as studying for me, it remains the absolute perfect way to kill a couple of hours. So without further ado, I humbly present a list of films, from old favorites to new friends, with which to amuse, thrill, reflect on and altogether distract yourself this, or any, exam’s eve (and for bonus points, most of them are on Netflix).
As a polar bear used its teeth and claws to hastily tear him apart and consume his flesh, arctic wildlife preservationist Richard Graveman sincerely pondered why the animal he had worked so hard to protect was now on the verge of taking his life
INDIO, Calif.—Sources within the California Natural Resources Agency confirmed Wednesday that the state’s last usable water was spent cleansing someone’s anus at the Coachella Music Festival.
Local weatherman Chip Palladino believes his accurate forecasting is actually a product of his divine command. The weather anchor for Channel 9 News in Wausau had developed a reputation for pinpoint accuracy through even the most peculiar of weather events but has recently come forward to reveal his alleged supernatural powers.
MillerCoors corporation has converted these delivery trucks
In a timely business and militaristic move that is already drawing widespread support, MillerCoors CEO and Commander-in-chief Thomas Lang has called for the brewing conglomerate’s military forces to invade the Anheuser-Busch-backed, possibly-mythical town known as ‘Whatever, USA.’
After an unsuccessful vice presidential candidacy and a canceled reality TV show, Sarah Palin has set her tireless sights elsewhere: the booming business of taxidermy.
The prophets have returned from their mountain. Before, Godspeed You! Black Emperor had been tuned to the heavens. Their past gospels were inspired conversations with burning bushes that swallowed detractors in waves of groaned noise. Their crescendos spoke of a heavenly rage and their drones wove psalms of feedback and discontent.
From the dog’s body language and facial expressions, 31-year-old Madison woman Erika Scanlan was able to discern without reasonable doubt that her two-year-old puppy had been masturbating while she was away at work Tuesday.
After centuries of observing human culture, the Martian Executive Board declared it was time Mars enter the 450,000,000 Century and run an up-to-date Spacebook page.
As a result of human-induced climate change, hordes of tasty Swedish Fish are now melting and perishing during their natural spring transatlantic migration from their breeding grounds in Scandinavian fjords to North American factory farms, a Stockholm University study reports.
The University of North Carolina student tasked with completing the basketball team’s schoolwork was unable to watch the Tar Heels take on Arkansas Saturday.
In 1980 a gallon of gas cost $1.08, a dozen eggs were priced at 89 cents and, according to Mike McCabe, former head of the Wisconsin Democracy Campaign, a state Senate candidate needed to raise $40,000 to be competitive in an election.