Students become best friends on way to detox

Two UW students became best friends after meeting in an ambulance en route to Meriter hospital for detox Saturday night.

Student accidentally calls professor ‘Mom’ again

Not-so-secretly homesick biology major Allen Markhoff, 19, committed a devastating error Tuesday afternoon, as—for the fourth time this semester—the anxious sophomore audibly, albeit inadvertently, referred to his professor as “Mom.”

UW senior still held back by freshman year in Lakeshore dorms

Although he is now six semesters and three single apartments removed from University Housing, UW-Madison senior Kyle Hinckley still feels highly disadvantaged because of his freshman dorm location in UW’s Lakeshore area.

Stop studying and put in a good movie before finals

So as finals dawn on us once again, many of you will be looking for ways to less productively divert your time and eradicate stress (while preserving brain cells). And while, as a film student, watching films “technically” counts as studying for me, it remains the absolute perfect way to kill a couple of hours. So without further ado, I humbly present a list of films, from old favorites to new friends, with which to amuse, thrill, reflect on and altogether distract yourself this, or any, exam’s eve (and for bonus points, most of them are on Netflix).

Preservationist wondering why polar bear is eating him

As a polar bear used its teeth and claws to hastily tear him apart and consume his flesh, arctic wildlife preservationist Richard Graveman sincerely pondered why the animal he had worked so hard to protect was now on the verge of taking his life 

Coachella attendees enjoy contemporary music and extensive water consumption.

California water supply expires at Coachella bidet

INDIO, Calif.—Sources within the California Natural Resources Agency confirmed Wednesday that the state’s last usable water was spent cleansing someone’s anus at the Coachella Music Festival.

This is a meteorologist

Accurate meteorologist declares God-like powers

Local weatherman Chip Palladino believes his accurate forecasting is actually a product of his divine command. The weather anchor for Channel 9 News in Wausau had developed a reputation for pinpoint accuracy through even the most peculiar of weather events but has recently come forward to reveal his alleged supernatural powers.

MillerCoors sends trucks full of soldiers to Whatever, USA.

MillerCoors corporation has converted these delivery trucks 

MillerCoors to deploy troops into 'Whatever, USA'

In a timely business and militaristic move that is already drawing widespread support, MillerCoors CEO and Commander-in-chief Thomas Lang has called for the brewing conglomerate’s military forces to invade the Anheuser-Busch-backed, possibly-mythical town known as ‘Whatever, USA.’

Sarah Palin wields a gun.

Sarah Palin announces new career as taxidermist

After an unsuccessful vice presidential candidacy and a canceled reality TV show, Sarah Palin has set her tireless sights elsewhere: the booming business of taxidermy.

Record Routine: Godspeed You! Black Emperor lost their touch in new album

The prophets have returned from their mountain. Before, Godspeed You! Black Emperor had been tuned to the heavens. Their past gospels were inspired conversations with burning bushes that swallowed detractors in waves of groaned noise. Their crescendos spoke of a heavenly rage and their drones wove psalms of feedback and discontent.

Willy

Owner certain dog was jerking off all day

From the dog’s body language and facial expressions, 31-year-old Madison woman Erika Scanlan was able to discern without reasonable doubt that her two-year-old puppy had been masturbating while she was away at work Tuesday.

This "woman" has green skin

Martians update Spacebook status to 'invading Earth'

After centuries of observing human culture, the Martian Executive Board declared it was time Mars enter the 450,000,000 Century and run an up-to-date Spacebook page.

Swedish Fish melting, endangered by global warming

As a result of human-induced climate change, hordes of tasty Swedish Fish are now melting and perishing during their natural spring transatlantic migration from their breeding grounds in Scandinavian fjords to North American factory farms, a Stockholm University study reports.

UNC student misses game finishing basketball team's homework

The University of North Carolina student tasked with completing the basketball team’s schoolwork was unable to watch the Tar Heels take on Arkansas Saturday.