Apple Inc. CEO Tim Cook announced at the most recent Apple cult meeting Monday night that the company will be delivering the new iTree to consumers this winter, following the traditional sacrifice of a little green android.
“This revolutionary device is no different from the iPhone 6 but it’s made of the highest quality wood,” explained Cook, trying to imitate Apple God and part-time former CEO Steve Jobs. “We are hoping this is what fans have been dying to see.”
The company has been trying to increase sales after the latest debacle with the iWatch and recently went on a trip to the Amazon to gather inspiration, ultimately coming up with the iTree.
“We really were trying to get a fresh outlook on things with that trip,” said product designer Jonathan Ive. “The iTree was meant to reflect the tree from which Eve picked the Apple in the stories of the Bible. We really want users to feel more obsessed with our products and ultimately bound to them, just as Eve was bound to her sins.”
Users are promised a brand new experience from the iTree with the new operating system meant to mimic the roots of a great oak.
Cook explained how you would no longer be able to walk around with your Apple product but will instead need to be tethered to an outlet at all times. He assured Daily Cardinal reporters this is what consumers have been wanting: something to connect them with nature and make them feel like a majestic tree.
