Local weatherman Chip Palladino believes his accurate forecasting is actually a product of his divine command. The weather anchor for Channel 9 News in Wausau had developed a reputation for pinpoint accuracy through even the most peculiar of weather events but has recently come forward to reveal his alleged supernatural powers.
Palladino says he began to realize his transcendent abilities during a bout of severe weather last July.
“No other station north of Fond du Lac called those tornados right, but something inside me just felt tied to the storm, I was in total control,” Palladino said. “Part of me wanted to send the storms through Rhinelander to get back at my ex-wife.”
Skeptics have questioned Palladino’s claims, but Palladino stands by his words.
“I went on a total bender one weekend and barely even thought about the forecast,” Palladino said. “I was just bullshitting stuff and waving my arms in front of the green screen. I still totally nailed my three degree guarantee. You tell me that’s not prophetic.”
Regarding the history of this unique ability, Palladino offered an anecdote from his youth.
“I’ve always been connected to the patterns of nature. As a child I’d be having a bad day and sure enough, it’d be storming outside.” Rather than using his uncanny ability to profit from weather-betting circles in Vegas, Palladino followed his destiny for meteorological superstardom.
Palladino hopes to hone his godlike weather-creating skills and ensure the greater Wausau area beautiful 70 degree summers and sparse snowfall restrained to the months of December and January.
Palladino’s coworkers have taken exception to his meteorological hubris, but Palladino defended himself.
“How would you act if you were the sole bridge between humanity and the unrelenting tempest of nature?” Palladino said, shrugging off criticism. “You didn’t see Jesus taking it easy just ‘cause the other prophets couldn’t hang.”
Chip Palladino will continue to deliver both the weather and the forecast, in an attempt to fulfill his self-proclaimed destiny as “the first and last man to claim ultimate dominion over the forces of nature.”
