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Clinton wows crowd with warm, delicious shortbread cookies

Immediately following her speech in Iowa last Saturday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton personally handed out hundreds of homemade shortbread cookies. To compensate for her campaign’s recent struggles in the polls, Clinton has started placing a premium on spontaneity and kindness along the campaign trail. Each cookie came with a personalized note and a very pleasant-looking red-and-white bow.

Scene of heroic pingpong ball toss.

Scene of heroic pingpong ball toss.

Student tosses pingpong ball into red cup

At approximately 12:16 a.m. last Friday, UW-Madison first year Kyle Montgomery lightly tossed a white, regulation-sized pingpong ball across an eight-foot-long table and into a red cup on the other end without a bounce.

Apple announces groundbreaking iTree

Apple Inc. CEO Tim Cook announced at the most recent Apple cult meeting Monday night that the company will be delivering the new iTree to consumers this winter, following the traditional sacrifice of a little green android.

Hillary Clinton subtly admits role in 9/11 attacks

Sly Teen

Look how tricky he is.

Sly incoming freshman convinces mother he will call home daily

With feigned conviction in his voice, 18-year-old Sam Brooks completely and utterly tricked his mother into believing he would call her each and every day of his upcoming freshman year of college.

Earl Schweigert fishing

Professor finally can fish more than three days per week

Now that summer recess has kicked in, UW-Madison chemistry professor Earl Schweigert can finally commit more than three days a week toward his primary hobby and passion: fishing.

Man tries to sell deceased mother to Bath & Body Works

Madison resident Collin Dennise went to a local Bath & Body Works last Saturday and tried to sell his mother’s corpse to the store.

UW Budget

Community members protest the state budget at the Capitol rotunda amid proposed cuts to university. 

Students become best friends on way to detox

Two UW students became best friends after meeting in an ambulance en route to Meriter hospital for detox Saturday night.

Student accidentally calls professor ‘Mom’ again

Not-so-secretly homesick biology major Allen Markhoff, 19, committed a devastating error Tuesday afternoon, as—for the fourth time this semester—the anxious sophomore audibly, albeit inadvertently, referred to his professor as “Mom.”

UW senior still held back by freshman year in Lakeshore dorms

Although he is now six semesters and three single apartments removed from University Housing, UW-Madison senior Kyle Hinckley still feels highly disadvantaged because of his freshman dorm location in UW’s Lakeshore area.

Stop studying and put in a good movie before finals

So as finals dawn on us once again, many of you will be looking for ways to less productively divert your time and eradicate stress (while preserving brain cells). And while, as a film student, watching films “technically” counts as studying for me, it remains the absolute perfect way to kill a couple of hours. So without further ado, I humbly present a list of films, from old favorites to new friends, with which to amuse, thrill, reflect on and altogether distract yourself this, or any, exam’s eve (and for bonus points, most of them are on Netflix).

Preservationist wondering why polar bear is eating him

As a polar bear used its teeth and claws to hastily tear him apart and consume his flesh, arctic wildlife preservationist Richard Graveman sincerely pondered why the animal he had worked so hard to protect was now on the verge of taking his life 

Coachella attendees enjoy contemporary music and extensive water consumption.

California water supply expires at Coachella bidet

INDIO, Calif.—Sources within the California Natural Resources Agency confirmed Wednesday that the state’s last usable water was spent cleansing someone’s anus at the Coachella Music Festival.

This is a meteorologist