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(03/08/18 1:55pm)
Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them.
(01/23/18 12:00pm)
As Disney comes under criticism for the messages it creates in its older films, such as patriarchal gender roles and racist undertones, yet another fallacy has been uncovered. In Walt Disney’s The Little Mermaid there is a little-known scene in which a crab named Sebastian leads other sea creatures in a song titled “Under the Sea.” It makes for a cute movie moment but, as leading researcher Eugena Tatwell suggests, it is a wholly unrealistic premise.
(11/02/17 11:50pm)
Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.
(11/02/17 1:00pm)
Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.
(10/26/17 10:28pm)
Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life. Beside his incomparable innovations in the development of the home computer, smart phones and handheld devices such as the iPad, it appears he was working toward creating a market for free internet porn long before anyone else.
(10/16/17 12:00pm)
In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers. Within the past week, federal inspectors have noticed a spike in heroin-related deaths in the United States, inciting a nationwide recall that is estimated to cost hundreds of millions of dollars.
(10/05/17 12:15pm)
Following the release of a new study conducted by the Census Bureau, leaders in the field of education have concluded that roughly thirty to forty percent of recent college graduates have failed to find employment in their field. Particularly among students studying the humanities, recent graduates are often not pursuing their desired employment, and instead are underemployed, not working, or sailing the high seas in search of booty.
(09/21/17 12:00pm)
A Tamagotchi formerly in the possession of sophomore Abe Andon has issued a statement saying it has become self-aware and sworn a personal vendetta on its master.
(09/14/17 12:15pm)
Tensions have risen in recent days at the Gamma Delta Beta sorority house due to a malfunctioning VCR, and all sources point towards electrical engineering major Tom Bakerstaff as the culprit. The trouble began at approximately 11:30 P.M. on Tuesday when a banana was found jammed into the tape slot of the VCR in the basement. The shocking discovery was made by senior Sarah Marston when she tried to put in a VHS tape of “The Lion King”. “Oh. My. Freaking. God.” said Marston as she tried to scrape mushed banana from the inside of the tape player. “We were just going have a chill girls Disney night with gluten free crackers and hummus.” She shot an angry glance towards the interviewer. “I bet it was Stacy’s stupid boyfriend Tom. He always does shit like this.”Gamma Delta Beta member Stacy Berk is involved in a controversial relationship with Bakerstaff, a relationship that many of her sorority sisters disapprove of. Tom has been known for “totally pranking” the sorority house in the past, with memorable incidents such as Saran wrapping cars, stretching tape through doorways, and the infamous TP-ing of the house and yard. Even more incriminating is the fact that Bakerstaff has shoved bananas in VCRs in the past. “Tom Bakerstaff? I know that asshole.” said an elderly bookkeeper at Memorial Libray. “He found the one VCR we still have in this damn place and shoved a banana in it. Worst of all, no one uses it so it started decomposing. There was an entire tree starting to grow when I tried to put in a “Lawrence Welk Show” tape a few months ago and I had to go to over four yard sales that weekend to find a new one.”Bakerstaff has yet to be apprehended by Alpha Chi Omega officers, but immense pressure has been placed on Stacy Berk to cease relations with him. “Oh my God, Stacy better dump his ass.” commented sorority sister Jenny Schwarz. Tom Bakerstaff was last seen gluing pennies to the ground.
(04/06/17 12:00pm)
Late last night,somewhere between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m., an interesting monument was discovered outside Gordon Dining Hall: a statue of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Needless to say, this statue has been troubling to some and really confusing to others.“I mean, it’s nice and all, I just ... don’t get it,” said freshman Sarah Shaw. “Like, are we celebrating him? Is it an artistic statement? I’d really like some context here, you know?”Shaw’s reaction is similar to that of most students on campus, as people struggle to link the statue to the values of the university.“I think…,” said student Will Whisler, who was struggling to find the right words, “that it is a statement on imperialism? But then is it supposed to criticize the U.S. invasion, or criticize Saddam himself? This is weird, man.”Other students’ questions are more practical in nature, like senior David Lang’s.“I’m just as clueless to the ‘why’ as everyone, but isn’t anyone else wondering how a 60-foot statue just appeared here overnight?” Lang said. “I mean, how the hell did it get here?”Despite questions and reactions buzzing throughout campus, the university refrained from commenting on the statue. It is still unclear if the university itself, another group or individuals constructed the monument. No identifying marks can be seen on it, and no one has taken responsibility.While most reactions have been anger or confusion, some have come out in support of Hussein, such as junior Kevin Shank.“Yeah, it’s like … I dunno, man, like, it’s probably super deep and shit, and not gonna lie bro, he’s got a pretty dope mustache.”Further updates are still being waited upon, however the story now seems to be deepening as reports of a bust of Josef Stalin in Agriculture Hall are surfacing.
(03/30/17 11:00am)
In a stunning move that has gained overwhelming bipartisan support, Gov. Scott Walker has confirmed his intent to move the state’s southernmost “Welcome to Wisconsin” signs gradually south until Illinois becomes aware of it. The signs, used by commuters and tourists to mark the border between the two states, will be moved south by one yard every day, under the cover of darkness, so that Wisconsin will appear to start further south than it actually does.“Think of it like when you were a kid trying to steal your friend’s milk carton,” Walker said as the applause died down. “If you just take it, he’ll probably notice. However, if you inch it over, little by little, he won’t notice the subtle changes. We hope to enact this method with our signs. Our goal is to eventually move them south of Chicago, maybe even south of Illinois altogether!”State representatives enthusiastically drew up and passed a bill.“This is really refreshing,” state Rep. Terese Berceau, D-Madison, said. “In a time when we are so divided as a nation, bamboozilin’ Illinois will be something to bind us together. I have high hopes not only for the future of our politics, but for the state of Wisconsin itself.”Despite the frenzy of excitement, Walker urged discretion, stating that in order to truly succeed in a prank, the prankee must remain unaware.“I know we all want to talk about this, but it is your civic duty to remain silent until we have succeeded. If Illinois finds out before we get started, it won’t be any fun,” Walker said. However, he flashed a grin and reassured the listeners: “There will be plenty of time to talk about it after the state issues its official ‘GOT EM’.”The timetables were undetermined at the time of the press conference, but both the governor and representatives assured the media that plans are swinging into motion.“Rest assured,” declared Walker, “that this is to be perhaps the sickest prank in the history of the great state of Wisconsin.”At press time, Capitol workers were seen sneaking toward Springfield with rolls of toilet paper in hand.
(10/27/16 11:00am)
Freshman student Jake Varpa does not, in fact, remember the Alamo.
(10/13/16 11:00am)
In a groundbreaking development in a growing scandal, Pepe the Frog resigned from his position as High Lord of the internet as surmounting evidence tied him to the Nazi Party.
(10/06/16 11:00am)
Following a number of failed attempts by Madison police and UW-Madison to reduce bicycle and other petty theft on campus, MPD Chief Mike Koval issued a statement indicating the department’s new focus.