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(05/05/04 6:00am)
Next weekend, I will graduate. My classmates and I will stride
boldly out of the Kohl Center and shout \Look out world, here we
come with our degrees! Prepare to submit to our savage and fickle
whims, for we are college graduates!""
(04/29/04 6:00am)
Do you remember when you were little? I don't, because I've
never been little, but I used to be younger. And I remember
kindergarten quite clearly.
(04/22/04 6:00am)
In about three weeks, I will graduate from this world-class,
degree-granting institution. I have learned a lot, and I wish I had
the time to let you know all the secrets to success at the
U-Dub.
(04/15/04 6:00am)
I've been thinking it for years, but I'm finally going to say
it-Easter is confusing and scary.
(04/08/04 6:00am)
As a senior, I'd like to issue a statement about a possible
teaching assistant work stoppage-Oh God, please strike.
(04/01/04 6:00am)
Excuse me-will you please give me a job?
(03/25/04 6:00am)
My job as a journalist would be much easier if I could just make
up stories and pass them off as true. That would never work,
though, because I'm not a very good liar.
(03/11/04 6:00am)
I am not a talented man. I can't throw a Frisbee, I suck at most
video games, I haven't been able to do long division in years and
I'm the worst golfer in the United States.
(03/04/04 6:00am)
God likes America. Also, Americans like God. Most importantly,
Americans like to hear that God likes them.
(02/26/04 6:00am)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.
(02/19/04 6:00am)
Have you ever been hit in the head really hard? I have.
(02/19/04 6:00am)
Have you ever been hit in the head really hard? I have.
(02/12/04 6:00am)
Sunday afternoon I watched two John Kerry supporters dejectedly
lugging campaign signs away from the Kites On Ice festival on
frozen Lake Mendota.
(02/05/04 6:00am)
I was sitting in the quiet room on the first floor of Memorial
Library skimming the history of World War Two, when a nearby
couple's rapid, infuriated whispering broke my
concentration.
(01/29/04 6:00am)
A few weeks ago, I went to Nashville with a central goal in
mind-see the Badgers beat Auburn in the Gaylord Hotels Music City
Bowl.
(11/20/03 6:00am)
Gays and lesbians face accusations of depravity and immorality
every day. Someone is always ready to charge them with corrupting
marriage, call them too irresponsible to raise children or blame
them for spreading disease.
(11/13/03 6:00am)
At the end of my interview with Art Paul Schlosser, he said
something probably unprecedented in interviewing history.
(10/30/03 6:00am)
And then, two years after it started, the War on Terror got on
track. At long last, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld put a
general in charge who was capable of actively pursuing President
Bush's orders to \smoke terrorists out of their holes."" In a true
breakthrough, this man had discovered the identity of terror's
supreme commander.
(10/23/03 6:00am)
I have lived my whole life believing two things above all: that
the Green Bay Packers is the United States' greatest pro sports
franchise, and that I hold nothing in common with the National
Rifle Association.
(10/16/03 6:00am)
It has been 15 years since CBS fired the late sports
prognosticator Jimmy \The Greek"" Snyder for saying blacks are
superior athletes because of breeding habits encouraged by slave
owners. I'll give 30-to-one odds this wasn't the first racially
insensitive thing he ever said. His very nickname, ""The Greek,""
was an unsubtle racial stereotype.