In about three weeks, I will graduate from this world-class, degree-granting institution. I have learned a lot, and I wish I had the time to let you know all the secrets to success at the U-Dub.
But my school days are numbered, so here is the most important piece of advice I can give: stay away from Walgreens-brand over-the-counter medicines.
Drugs produced by Walgreens are dangerous, not because they are different or less effective than pricier drugs, but because they pack the exact same wallop for less cash.
I'm totally in favor of cheap prescription drugs. In fact, I believe healthcare and access to medicine are basic human rights. But for treatment of non-life-threatening, over-the-counter type maladies, non-prescription drugs should cost at least enough to encourage careful self-medication. A 250-pound columnist with a cold should not be able to knock himself out at his own discretion for $0.30 a pop.
Wal-dryl Allergy Relief Capsules are capable of doing just that.
Last Sunday, suffering from the most severe spring allergies I've ever had, I purchased 24 pills of the Benadryl substitute for $3.49. I had never taken Benadryl or Wal-dryl before. I dropped two tablets and waited for them to take hold.
For those who don't have allergies, and thus have (probably) not taken Benadryl or a Benadryl-like product, you should know that the effects are much more serious than your allergic friends have told you.
Wal-dryl will not, as reported on the box, clear up your allergies. It will simply make you not care about them anymore. In fact, Wal-dryl will make you not care about anything.
On Sunday, I knew I had been drylled when I was riding to a familiar destination with my brother and sister-in-law. Approaching a highway turnoff, my sister-in-law asked which way she should go.
I didn't answer. I didn't know which way to turn, and I wasn't interested in finding out. In fact, it would not have fazed me if she had run over a 500 pound, 40-point buck. I would have been equally unbothered if the buck had then stood up, dusted itself off, entered the car on the driver's side, adjusted the radio, and driven us into space.
For just nickels per dose, Wal-dryl will sever your connection to reality under the auspices of clearing up your allergies.
Wal-dryl's cousin from the realm of sinister green sleep fluids, NightTime Rest Easy Cold/Flu Relief, has much the same effect.
One night this winter, a savage cough was keeping me awake. I had taken one dose of NightTime, but it didn't work like usual. So around 3 a.m., I got up and checked the instructions on the bottle. The label told me I was ready for another dose.
I knew this was the wrong choice when I didn't fall asleep, but drifted into a half-conscious, hallucinatory fever dream. I might have been able to rest if Disney's Three Little Pigs hadn't been dancing around me in bed, wearing Napoleonic French Army uniforms and shouting \Qui a peur du Grand M??chant Loup?""
I vow never to take Wal-dryl, NightTime or any other Walgreens-brand medicine again. One afternoon of zombie-catatonia and one night of incapacitating delirium are enough for me. Too much is at stake. I hope you feel the same.
If you choose to disregard my advice, don't claim I didn't warn you. And say ""hi"" to those cartoon pigs for me.
Dan can be reached at dlhinkel@wisc.edu.
