Excuse me-will you please give me a job?
No openings? That's what they all say. In fact, every newspaper in the country has said that to me in the last two months. Actually, they all say I've been
ot selected for a post"" in their newsroom. So not only have I not been selected, I've been ""not selected"" for every available print journalism job I've applied for.
I think I need to select a new career.
I will have to be my own boss. I'm too egotistical and sleepy for it to be any other way. And I have to obey my true passion-rocking hard, day and night, Guns N' Roses style.
Eureka!
As of right now, I'm accepting applications for positions in my Guns N' Roses tribute band.
Anyone who knows me shouldn't be surprised at this career move. I've listened to G N' R's 15 times platinum debut Appetite for Destruction at least three times a day since I was eight years old. I often don't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about the part of ""Paradise City"" where Slash's guitar fades out and Duff goes ""bum-bum-bada-bada-ba-bum"" on the bass. Any girlfriend I have has to accept being my third priority, behind myself and the drumming of Steven Adler.
If you share my incapacitating preoccupation with the greatest hard-rock album of all time, join my band. The group is tentatively called ""Sweet Children of His.""
The positions require deep knowledge of 1980s Los Angeles metal and an emotional connection to Guns and/or Roses. Influences should include Appetite for Destruction and whiskey.
Ownership of leather pants is a plus. Knowledge of where I can find leather pants for the larger man is a bonus.
Believe it or not, I'm not the first person to have the G N' R-tribute idea. Indeed, there are several hundred such bands all over the world. An outfit called Appetite for Destruction claims to be the ""pre-eminent Guns N' Roses cover band on the East Coast.""
We will blow them out of the water, because we will not be just another tribute band-we will be the tribute band that focuses on one album. We will do Appetite for Destruction until we are unable to remember any other songs exist. We will disavow knowledge of other Guns N' Roses albums. If I catch the band rehearsing ""Patience"" behind my back, I will fire the whole lineup and start a new tribute band to the original tribute band. We must pay a price for supremacy.
The only competition I am worried about is New York's L'il G N' R. They're exactly like the real Guns N' Roses except that they don't play instruments and are all under 12 years old. If you don't immediately understand the appeal of a six-year-old impersonating Slash, you can't be in my band because you are clearly a square.
We'll just have to work harder and drink more Jim Beam than them. If push comes to shove, we will push and shove them.
Send your application via e-mail along with a reference from one member of Skid Row. I am an equal opportunity employer. I'll give you an equal opportunity to rock.
Take it, and I will welcome you to my jungle. I've got fun and games. I don't offer a 401k, but I can provide excellent dental coverage.
Dan can be reached at dlhinkel@wisc.edu.
