God likes America. Also, Americans like God. Most importantly, Americans like to hear that God likes them.
For some reason, no one let John Kerry in on those facts in time to save him from making the most confusing theological statement in the history of politics in a televised debate Sunday.
The New York Times reporter/candidate pride-buster Elizabeth Bumiller asked the candidates, in reference to the war on terror, \Is God on America's side?""
After stumbling over a few Bushesque non-sentences, Kerry came to his thesis on God and the United States.
""God has been on our side through most of our existence,"" he said.
Bumiller should take much of the blame for asking the question at all. A candidate can't answer a question about God sincerely for fear of offending Mel Gibson-style traditionalists.
But the best answer Kerry could have given was ""Yes, God is on our side. When we are neutral he takes no side. God rules, I'm not that liberal, elect me.'""
Instead, Kerry cryptically indicated that God thinks we've messed up a few times, but the specifics are just between God and him.
Kerry's verbal punt could have been brought on by too many 22-hour days. Or maybe he was trying to do President Bush one-better.
Critics rode Bush mercilessly for telling then-Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas that God told him to strike at al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein.
And according to a November 2004 New York Observer piece, Bush told a close friend: ""God wants me to run for president.""
Now there's a guy who knows what God wants. He does God's will, when God wills it, with the only instruments capable of executing God's will-missiles.
Kerry, in an apparent piece of one-upmanship, implied that he doesn't just turn to God for answers in times of crisis. He sounds more like God's biographer.
If he's going to be president, Kerry is going to have to be more forthcoming about God's opinions. Sure, Ted Kennedy is a great endorsement to have, but if Kerry could prove he's down with God, no one could say it was ""just the liquor endorsing.""
I'd be satisfied with a press release detailing God's opinion on a few major events in American history. Simple ""for"" or ""against"" answers would be fine.
Or maybe Kerry could go smite somebody and explain why God wanted him or her smote. If he evades the authorities, I'll accept that as evidence that he truly is a holy roller.
And there's the Bush problem. If something named God is talking to both Kerry and Bush and getting different results from each, then one of them is misinterpreting God, monotheism is officially bunk, or they are both insane and I'll be forced to vote for Nader.
Kerry could fix that dilemma by telling people there's one God and he talks to George too, but that Bush misunderstands the Lord's instructions because God talks really quiet and George has a crayon jammed in his ear.
If that doesn't convince voters that the Democrats have God's candidate, Kerry should just play the Dick Cheney card. The man's got a forked tail, for Pete's sake.
Dan can be reached at dlhinkel@wisc.edu.
