The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?
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Many people believe that humans can only live for 115 years tops but, as it turns out, the cure for mortality may date back as far as the 1500s. Of course, this was only recently discovered and the cure is being hoarded by an old white misogynist, but it’s stupefying nonetheless.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
UW-Madison attempts to compensate for student unemployment concerns with Starship emotional support positions
Many students who have lost their opportunity to work due to the coronavirus pandemic are struggling to make ends meet and to finalize their summer plans. While the university has offered some remote working positions, there are many students who don’t feel secure and remain concerned for their future.
Madisonians hope UW-Madison’s ‘party’ dorms will be the first converted into emergency overflow rooms
Following the news that UW-Madison dorms may transform into emergency overflow rooms if area hospitals face over capacity issues given the growing amount of COVID-19 cases, many Madisonians have come forward to advocate that “party” dorms should be the first to be converted.
The “until tomorrow” challenge has taken Instagram by storm, but before long, activity on the app hit a standstill when @covid_19 joined in on the trend.
Breaking: somebody finally found the end of a rainbow … and a Bernie-supporting leprechaun.
The world really didn’t need Canada Goose™. Not only is the company an embarrassingly large tarnish on Canada’s name, but people are still donning the wretched brand on their backs. Despite article after article exposing the company’s god-awful practices, Canada Goose™ is still kicking.
Though students are only in their second week of the 2020 spring semester at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, spirits are already quite low. This is most clearly seen on the campus’s many crosswalks, especially those that intersect with some of Madison’s most busy roads: it seems that students have developed a total disregard for crossing signals.
Spring semester is upon us! With the first week of classes quickly approaching, so too does that awkward first-day icebreaker. Instead of ignoring other people’s names while you scramble last-second to think of something interesting to say about yourself, feel free to use one of Almanac’s suggestions.
As the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2020, the Times Square Ball wasn’t the only ball dropping for the new year. Area teen James Smith reported that this year, his balls, too, had partaken in the long-standing New Year’s tradition.
The marketing team at Spotify, a popular digital music service, recently approved a new initiative to encourage listeners to upgrade to premium streaming services. Starting next week, Spotify free users’ music will be interrupted every 10 seconds with an advertisement.
Nut-based snack companies across the nation are stumped after catching wave of the millennial holiday “No Nut November.” They simply don’t know what to do.
After thorough investigation this spooky season, it is with deep regret that the Almanac reports that candy corn is still indeed a thing. Every grocery and convenience store surveyed in Madison carried the vile candy even though most of the store shelves that they occupied were gathering copious amounts of dust. A few were even covered in cobwebs.
We here at Almanac know the all-too-common struggle of finding the perfect Halloween costume. At this point, the 31st is only a week away! Do you have your costume picked out? If not, you are severely unprepared and should be worried. But don’t fret! The Almanac has generously taken the task upon themselves to brainstorm some unique, last-minute costume ideas that are sure to wow all your friends! Unfortunately we did copyright all of them — but for a small fee of $15.99 you can purchase a one-day license to sport one of our tasty Almanac Halloween looks (proceeds go to our editors’ Venmo accounts).
Dumb baby wearing "I will change the world" t-shirt accused of not knowing anything about poverty, climate change or humankind's inherent evil
An unsuspecting Facebook-user faces much controversy following a post of her baby boy wearing an “I will change the world” t-shirt.
Metro Transit’s beloved Route 80 is a service that many have proved they do not deserve. Though sometimes used routinely, it seems that certain individuals still haven’t figured out how to properly act when aboard this godly, paradisiacal vehicle. In the effort to eliminate some of the worst behavioral problems that sour the transit experience for others, here is a short etiquette handbook that all 80-riders should follow:
“In my book, loyalty is a two-way street,” “My cheating ex-husband has more integrity,” and “Capitalism must die!” are just a few of the remarks from frustrated members of a well-known chain coffee shop’s loyalty program.
The juxtaposition between man and nature catches the eye of passersby time and time again. A line of birds perched upon a phone line or vines crawling up the side of a building … Oftentimes, the sight alone destroys the self-respect of many. Within milliseconds, the feeling of remorse or embarrassment at the thought of human history and being a member of Earth’s dominant species takes away any hope of feeling content ever again.
What started out as a story detailing the opening of a nearby coffee shop turned into a profound discovery: a self-proclaimed coffee drinker who is “only in the game” for the prestige and caramel drizzle.