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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 18, 2024
Coronavirus patients in Sellery could likely start a rousing game of beer pong using two half-empty cans of Natural Light laying underneath their beds.

Madisonians hope UW-Madison’s ‘party’ dorms will be the first converted into emergency overflow rooms

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Following the news that UW-Madison dorms may transform into emergency overflow rooms if area hospitals face over capacity issues given the growing amount of COVID-19 cases, many Madisonians have come forward to advocate that “party” dorms should be the first to be converted.

Sellery and Witte Residence Halls, arguably the biggest party dorms at UW-Madison, happen to also be the largest residence halls on campus. While Witte has been upgraded from its historic status as “Shitty Witte” after recent renovations, some have expressed worry that Sellery’s “disgusting” and “vile” conditions would do more harm than good.

“Yes, Sellery would provide us with a lot of valuable space, but the dorm itself could quite possibly be the optimal breeding ground for numerous diseases that we don’t even know about yet,” a scientist said. “We just don’t know the long-term health risks associated with living in that dorm. It could be too risky for coronavirus patients who are already weak.”

Despite overwhelming evidence that Sellery may never achieve sterile, hospital-level cleanliness, including the five-day-old vomit crust cemented to the walls of the 7A men’s bathroom and the rotting bed frames that will surely crumble at a moment’s notice, many Madisonians continue to rally in support of the ramshackle dorm.

“Anyone who is hating on Sellery right now can take a seat,” Brad Vanderbiltt, a particularly adamant protester, said. “I am living proof that the living conditions are doable!! Besides, the likelihood of finding a Juul or a bottle of Fireball in any of those dorm rooms is in our favor.”

A common thread amongst ralliers was that the party dorms would provide them with the gleaming opportunity to “get lit” one last time. 

“If we’re going to suffer, we might as well have a little bit of fun,” Vanderbiltt shrugged. “Just please … not the Lakeshore dorms.”

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