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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, December 04, 2025
Keep Food Pantry 6

‘We can’t fund the food pantry’: Student government weighs $40k of sex toys vs. campus food pantry in latest budget

Should we be filling the student body with food or silicon?

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.  

As the UW-Madison funded food pantry runs out of food, our “democratically elected representatives” in ASM (our student government for the 98% of you who didn’t vote in their previous election) have argued they don’t have enough funding to keep it operating. What they’re not telling you is that they’ve spent nearly $40,000 on top-of-the-line sex toys (devices meant for intercoursal pleasures of the flesh) for the “Sex Out Loud” student organization. 

As a nonpartisan journalist and editor, I don’t always feel comfortable giving my opinion on hot button issues like this, but as the students of UW go hungry while the establishment elites fund sex parties, I feel like it’s time for me to speak truth to power.

Below is a letter from me, Dominic Violante, Chief Ethicist of The Daily Cardinal.

Dear ASM, 

No, funding sex parties is not as important as funding food pantries. Tens of thousands of dollars worth of extremely exaggerated models of human genitalia meant for momentary enjoyment and in many cases the goal of assisting the user in reaching a climax of the sexual variety just isn’t necessary for the students of this university to sift and winnow properly.

Yes, I’ve seen the statement from the Chair of the ASM saying “vibrators are the key to student success” and a similar statement from UW Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin saying “pluralism can’t exist without a couple of fake wangs in every dorm on campus,” but I still think we should be filling the student body with food, not silicon. 

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Dominic Violante

Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.


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