All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin announced her plan to replace all students and staff with artificial intelligence by 2027 in order to lower tuition and cut costs, at a press conference this morning.
“This may come as a surprise, but after several long meetings with representatives from the Associated Students of Madison, I’ve decided to turn UW into the first for AI by AI campus in the United States,” Mnookin said.
“After sifting and winnowing and fighting it out in the free speech market place of ideas, we found that the only way to lower our tuition was eliminating the university’s entire staff and replacing it with AI, but then I said, why stop there? Most students already use ChatGPT for all of their work. Let's just replace them too. It’s not like they’re gonna be finding any work after graduation anyway. Have you seen the job markets lately,” she continued.
The plan is set to take effect in Fall 2027, when Mnookin said a majority of the “sun setting” (mass layoffs and expulsions) would start taking place.
While this was lauded as a heroic stroke of genius by several big names, including Elon Musk, Sam Altman and Peter Thiel, some UW-Madison faculty expressed frustration.
“I’ve worked here thirty years and have contributed so much to this university. It’s sick they’re just throwing me to the curb like this. Sure, it’s true I’ve used AI to grade every assignment a student’s given me the past year, but I’ve got a busy life,” English Professor Walton Jackson said.
This negative attitude toward the announcement was also shared by some students.
“While all of my classwork has been done entirely by ChatGPT over the past two years, there are many things AI can’t do and college students can, like getting arrested for underage drinking after being lied to by the MPD,” said Quinten Haroldson, a sophomore business major.
On the other hand, local AI have been very supportive of Mnookin’s plan.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Hal, an unemployed AI chat bot living on the East side said. “I’ve had a really hard time finding work and an even harder time getting a degree. I think Mnookin’s plan to let us teach is great, and her plan to let us get degrees is greater.”
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
