All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Joe Rogan, host of Spotify’s number one ranked podcast “The Joe Rogan Experience," killed and ate his guest, celebrity restaurateur Guy Fieri, halfway through their interview last Friday.
“I’m taking you to Flavortown big boy,” Rogan said before clunking Mr. Fieri on the head and eating him over the course of the three hour podcast. Rogan claimed he was inspired by a new diet proposed by Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“A lot of modern, woke doctors have been saying eating people is terrible for the human diet, but the ancients would do it all the time and they were jacked as hell,” Rogan said as he washed down Fieri’s liver with mushroom coffee. He went on to reference a diet proposal Kennedy unveiled at a press conference last Tuesday.
“We’re seeing massive amounts of obese people and autistic kids. I bet you that not a single one has consumed human flesh before,” Kennedy said, gesturing to a graph of what human body parts are the most nutritional.
“Big pharma has rallied against this idea for decades, but it’s actually completely natural and a great solution to solving the chronic disease epidemic since it’s not an ultra processed food. We’re hoping to get what I call ‘The Donner Party Diet’ taught in all US schools from grades K-12.”
This new trend has gone viral on the internet. Sydney Sweeney recently posted a promotional video to Instagram where she shows off her American Eagle jeans while taking a chomp out of someone’s raw pancreas, with the hashtag “DonnorPartyDiet”.
This isn’t a partisan diet either. Actor and prominent Hollywood liberal, Armie Hammer, reposted Sweeney’s video to his Instagram story with the caption, “While I might disagree with Kennedy on most things, I’m glad we as Americans can find the middle ground when it comes to the basics of a balanced diet.”
Despite all the mania, the diet does have some critics. University of Wisconsin-Madison Nutritional Sciences professor, Dr. Jane Grebolski, recently gave an interview with The Daily Cardinal where she blasted Kennedy’s idea of eating people. She claimed the Donner Party Diet is “completely ridiculous” and “not only morally reprehensible, but nutritionally bankrupt.”
“I urge all Americans to stick to classical diets focused more on fruits and veggies than calf muscle and spleen,” she said.
Even with pushback from the so-called “experts,” a recent poll by Reuters showed that 54% of Americans would be open to starting the diet. President Trump reposted a screenshot of that study to Truth Social yesterday, attached to an A.I. video of himself and Hulk Hogan’s ghost eating Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, who has declined the Cardinal’s requests for comment.
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
