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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, October 25, 2025
Bike lanes

Madison Mayor announces plan to make traffic ‘much more confusing’

Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway? More like Mayor Satya making Roads-Confusingway!

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.  

Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway announced several new changes to Madison’s roads she called “confusing” and "completely nonsensical” at a press conference Monday, showcasing new initiatives to lower housing costs in Madison.

“We will be opening five new lanes on every road in the Madison area. Lanes one and two will both be for bikes, lane 3 is the express lane for lane 4 which is the bus line from 4 a.m. to 5 p.m. and the slow lane for lane 5 from 7 p.m. to 3 a.m. which will be the construction lane which is perpetually under construction,” Rhodes-Conway said at the press conference.

The lanes will be color coordinated. 

When asked how this will help lower housing costs, she said “we hope the roads will become so frustrating to navigate, it will make people leave the city, thus forcing landlords to lower prices.” 

In addition to the traffic lane changes, The Daily Cardinal received reports suggesting Rhodes-Conway is planning another initiative to drive people out of the city: encourage more annoying jaywalkers to blindly walk into traffic while staring at their phones.  

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Dominic Violante

Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.


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