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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, November 30, 2023

Hey Morgan! I got kicked out of school my freshman year but never told my parents. They’ve been sending me tuition money for the last five years and are asking when I’m going to graduate. What should I do?

Identity theft is easier than you think.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

I’d first like to applaud you for being able to scam your parents out of, what, hundreds of thousands of dollars? If you were smart, you would’ve put it away preparing for this day so you could just drop off the face of the planet, but I know better than to assume my audience are planners. 

This is what you need to do: 

If I’ve learned anything from the real ID “gifting” game, there is bound to be someone that sort of looks like you at this school. Hopefully they’re graduating next semester. You just have to subtly take their place. 

It’s really not that hard to do. You may be asking, “Wouldn’t their friends and family notice?” My answer is, “Not really.” I change my personality and look about every two months and no one brings it up. 

The only difficult part is getting rid of the original person, and I will not be telling you how to do that, for legal reasons. Once that is done, though, you are in the clear. And if you’re worried that you don’t have the skills necessary for the career path of your new degree, just go into consulting or something you don’t really need skills for. 

Hope this helps! 

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