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Sunday, January 29, 2023
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UW-Madison loses entire student body for upcoming semester after Course Search and Enroll crashes

The troublesome glitch could potentially be attributed to the fact that the app is run by literal zoo animals.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison have conversations about enrollment dates similar to how veterans talk about where they were stationed during wartime. Much like the battlefield, fellow Badgers enter treacherous territory, never knowing when they may be able to leave or if this is the day that it all blows up in their face. 

Inevitably, Course Search and Enroll crashes, leaving thousands of students wondering why they spend at least roughly $11,000 per semester to go to a university that apparently is not interested in students being able to sign up for classes. 

This time, the situation is even more dire — a system error prevented each of the university’s 49,886 students from enrolling in classes for the upcoming semester. Consequently, the spring semester has been effectively canceled. 

One inside source said the app’s team consists of four to five support team members and six development team members. Additionally, there is managerial overhead for each group. 

Though the staff is diverse, it is not necessarily in the way that has been asked of the university. Rather, there is diversity of species, as each employee currently lives at Madison’s own Henry Vilas Zoo. The staff includes several Aldabra tortoises, a piranha, a turkey vulture, one North American porcupine and a Madagascar hissing cockroach. 

Contrary to the staff directory as well as personal family photos obtained by The Beet, University Registrar Scott Owczarek is actually, in fact, a Somali wild ass. A critically endangered animal, it is believed that Owczarek is simply doing his best in exchange for not being turned into food or medicine by Chancellor Mnookin. 

Would-be graduate Owen Kwapis told The Beet about his attempted enrollment experience.

“I literally only needed 12 credits to graduate, including one literature class. I had it all mapped out. Then, my enrollment date rolled around only for me to find that the only available classes were ‘Intro to Raw Animal Corpse Consumption’ and ‘Egg Hiding 605: Avoiding Predators,’” said a frustrated Kwapis. “Seeing as I am neither a platypus nor a Komodo dragon, I did not find these options to be necessary to my education.” 

Customers of UW-Madison (or pupils — whatever) are frustrated with the lack of action on the issue. Unfortunately, it is not expected to change any time soon. After all, with little to no students on campus, the Course Search and Enroll team will have less trouble hunting for mice, birds and other favorite cuisines found in campus’ various ceilings and gutters. 

In good news for some, the university’s reputation as a liberal bubble is likely to decrease. This is because rather than showcasing the ideals of sharing when able and demonstrating general benevolence towards others, employees of the Office of the Registrar and Division of Information Technology will instead attack one another whenever cornered or anxious, as is their innate instinct.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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