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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Trump says ‘Make America Green Again’

Trump makes the surprising announcement that he’ll be running for president again — this time as part of the Green Party.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In an unforeseen turn of events, former president Donald Trump announces that he will be changing his political affiliation to the Green Party, and will be running as such in 2024.

Amid a less-than-impressive amount of support since his proclamation of running for a second term, Trump appears to be changing tactics by throwing an absolute curveball at voters. He publicly announced the switch a few days after his initial “huge announcement” on Nov. 15.

“It is with great pleasure that I have come to announce that I will be running for president as a member of the Green Party for the 2024 election,” said Trump. Let’s make America great and green again! We will be a great nation again.”

Many are befuddled by his sudden change of heart, especially since he has never been an especially big supporter of climate action. This confusion is well-called-for considering Trump’s conflicting statements about his stance on climate change in the past. While some cite this shift as not surprising, as Trump “never fails to disappoint our curiosities,” others are still struggling to believe that this announcement is legit.

“The media is totally capping,” says a potentially-stoned University of Wisconsin-Madison student. “There’s no way this man would do anything that isn’t sitting on his ass and complaining. Surprised he hasn’t complained about media coverage yet.”

An already-exasperated, self-proclaimed moderate student has a different perspective:

“Do I think it’s fake news? Maybe. Would I be surprised? No.”

As for the former president himself, he backed up his decision to switch teams by giving various examples of how nature has transformed his world views since being out of office. A golf course connoisseur, Trump revealed how he branched off of this great sport and into the wilderness where he fell in love with the earth itself.

“One day I was out on my huge golf course, and I was getting bored, y’know? Life without presidential duties tends to be a bit too slow paced for me, at times,” Trump added. “So anyways, I just kinda dropped my golf club and wandered out into the woods nearby. I was in there for three days. That experience was life changing, life changing. I should have been listening to Greta Thunberg this whole time.”

Trump’s new presidential oaths include the goal to plant “a gazillion” new trees across the United States and a promise of 100% carbon emission reductions by the end of 2028.

His fellow Republican and Democratic politicians have released many statements condemning Trump’s sudden change of heart, calling it “unjust, impractical and stupid.” The Green Party itself has yet to comment.

Could Donald Trump be the candidate to finally break the two-party system in the United States? Looks like he’s already uniting all those across the political spectrum in at least one sense — everyone is confused.

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