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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Thirty percent of polling stations located in sewers on other side of town

The increase is directly correlated with rising public uproar over gerrymandering.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On Election Day, some find themselves scrambling. This often means figuring out where to vote, how to get there or scheduling it into an already busy work day. Sometimes, it’s not as easy as looking up polling locations online and plugging the address into a phone. In fact, some polling stations are located in a spot that won’t be found on a typical city map — sewers. 

The 2022 midterm elections are no different. A report published early the morning of Nov. 8 found that 30% of polling locations are found in underground sewers. 

Cobb County, Georgia — an area where voters have already had difficulty casting their ballot — is one hotbed. County elections director Janine Eveler gave insight as to how the underground locations are accessed.

“First, eligible voters should seek out a map of their town. It should be available online. After locating their home address, voters should determine which spot on the map is furthest away. The correct sewer will be vaguely around that area,” Eveler said.

There’s more to it than walking from street to street until a manhole is found. In fact, there are multiple manholes, all but one of which act as decoys. 

“It’s really a matter of security,” said Eveler. “We want to make sure that each vote counted is legitimate. Having one manhole that leads to the polling station and many more that contain deterrents like alligators, fiery infernos and really aggressive crabs holding vegetable mandolines just ensures that those trying to commit election fraud have to work a little harder,” said Eveler.

Even after reaching the correct entrance, the path to casting a ballot isn’t easy. Hopeful voter Sarah Merks, who got frustrated and turned around, shared her experience.

“As soon as I lifted up the manhole cover — which weighed like 250 pounds, by the way — there was an antsy guy wearing a buttonless button up covered in what looked and smelled like human excrement standing on a ladder. He kept asking me riddles. Like, plural. He wouldn’t even wait for me to respond before realizing he didn’t know what answer he was looking for. I couldn’t win. In the moment, I chose my sanity over the right to control my own body,” said an exhausted Merks.

Merks is not the only voter who has found himself walking home with an “I voted” sticker in hand after being assigned to appear in a sewer. In the case of Jamaal Wilks, he lost his vote after casting the ballot.

“I did what you’re supposed to do, right? I made my marks with a black pen and put it in the scanner. But then I started hearing these sounds, like the paper was being ripped up. Next thing I knew, the scanner got up and walked away. There was someone just sitting in a hollow machine. I biked across the city to be here, and a person ate my vote,” recalled Wilks, dumbfounded. 

Despite complaints, there is no indication that any of the sewer-based polling stations in the United States will be removed. In fact, the trend only seems to be increasing in response to public uproar over gerrymandering. It just goes to show — when the wrong people are in charge, someone always ends up smeared in shit.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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