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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, February 24, 2024

Elon Musk announces Tesla cruise ship

Very real technology ensures that the passenger liner will be unsinkable, says Musk.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Twitter was in typical form on Nov. 17 as users reacted to the news of the mass exodus of the social media platform’s employees. This followed a brief span of time in which owner Elon Musk laid off about half of the company’s workforce, fired those who disagreed, caused hundreds of employees to resign and then made the Twitter headquarters inaccessible to those remaining to prevent sabotage

What does a significantly less rich, but rich nonetheless person do to avoid their worries? Throw money at something else. This was the case today, as Musk announced that Tesla will be creating its first cruise ship. Not just this, but it is expected to be the biggest passenger ship ever built.

“Over the years, I’ve said a lot of things. I’ve said Tesla will have self-driving cars by the end of the year for the past several years. I’ve said I’ll put microchips in people’s brains so they don’t have to take their phone out of their pocket. Back in the day, I even said I could get us on Mars within 10 years,” began Musk’s announcement, which was publicized in the form of a Twitter thread.

“Now, I’m saying something else. Come December 2023, Tesla will have released the largest, most technologically advanced cruise ship the world has ever seen. In addition to the existing tech I’ve already insisted Tesla has, new innovations indicate that the ship will be, by all theoretical measures, unsinkable,” the statement concluded. 

Musk declined to comment on what new groundbreaking discovery ensures the safety of both the ocean liner and its passengers — even in the event of a collision that would be the sea equivalent of running a car into a brick wall, however unprecedented it may be. That being said, the announcement happened to coincide with an international Gorilla Glue shortage. 

Following the Twitter thread, Tesla published mockups of what may ultimately become the ship’s design. Though presumably cleared legally, the images bear a striking resemblance to a floating Rainforest Cafe housed within a pristine, yet cold and empty strip mall. 

Tickets for the liner’s first voyage have already gone on sale — a one-way trip beginning at the New Jersey Cruise Port and ending in Somalia, a coastal African country known for its unstable government, civil wars and a delectable cake known as Basbousa. 

Priced at $5,000 per person, the new venture is sure to attract Tesla devotees who would rather not buy something for a reasonable price anyway. With millions of Twitter users only growing more frustrated with the billionaire’s decisions back on land, now is the perfect time for Musk to dip his toes into the ice water. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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