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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, March 01, 2024

Anti-weed politicians can’t relate to feeling connected to others, genuinely smiling

“I didn’t even feel that way when Hurricane Sandy hit New York City,” scoffed a perturbed Mitch McConnell.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In the current contentious political climate, there seems to be just one topic that voters can agree on — legalizing recreational marijuana. According to a 2021 Gallup poll, 68% of Americans are in support. Yet, despite the fact that this would result in something most politicians prioritize above all — shit loads of money — many are still in opposition.

Yet, it’s not for the reasons everyone has grown to assume. It has nothing to do with prejudice, bribes or political posturing. In fact, the real reason is much more concerning — they’re just not buying it. Any of it. The whole deal.

“So you’re telling me that I can ingest a plant and it will make me feel happy, warm, giggly and just generally more connected to others? I didn’t even feel that way when Hurricane Sandy hit New York City,” scoffed a perturbed Sen. Mitch McConnell. 

McConnell’s own hemp legalization provision in the 2018 Farm Act effectively legalized marijuana, even in states where it’s technically illegal. This is possible through the small amount of THC hemp contains and some wizard-y stuff some really cool scientists or something know how to do.

The press opted not to mention this to McConnell, as nobody wanted to see a short circuiting robot’s “human skin”™ melt off.

The senior Kentucky senator isn’t the only one who feels they’ve been hoodwinked. Sen. Lindsey Graham is also under the impression that there is nothing to this life but power, stress and a deep, dark, empty hole devoid of love and joy.

“It’s all a made-up fairytale, plain and simple. Feeling happy is all a ruse for attention like being a trans or one of the gays,” said the longtime bachelor. 

It seems strange that career politicians — the job known for baby kissing and handshaking — don’t believe in the genuine existence of basic warmth and zest for life. Suspicious, The Beet asked Sen. Graham to smile. 

First, there was a tight, high grin with no teeth. Graham’s shoulders tensed. There’s no way to say it other than that he looked like an earthworm.

The second and final attempt returned disturbing results. Though showing teeth, there wasn’t even a whisper of kindness. It was more of a snarl like that of a grizzly bear or a chihuahua who lives in Orange County and wears a sweater.

The battle for the federal legalization of recreational marijuana faces an even steeper climb than supporters initially thought. The task of convincing politicians who qualified for AARP long ago that they have more to learn about being human isn’t an easy one, but it might be simple — offer these guys a brownie. They could use it.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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