On the morning of Oct. 10, Russian president Vladimir Putin ordered a strike on 10 Ukrainian cities, including the capital city of Kyiv. This followed the explosion of the Crimea Bridge two days prior, which dealt a considerable blow to Russia’s supply chain.
Though the world isn’t surprised by the retaliatory strike, those who spend time around Putin say he no longer actually feels the burning desire to maim and destroy like he has been known to. Rather, the latest show of brutality is the first act of violence ordered by Putin simply to ensure he “stays on brand.”
“He’s really softened as he’s aged. He’s transformed from a strong, violent man who will have you killed for brushing past him in the hallway into a man that’s scared of butterflies and has the physical integrity of a pudding cup,” said an anonymous Russian official of the former KGB member.
Given that Putin clearly has no consideration for others, it seems strange that he would order an attack just to keep up appearances. However, there’s only one thing Putin cares about more than he once cared about absolutely annihilating the innocent — attention.
Putin reportedly caught on to his own rapid emotional and physical gelatinizing, prompting him to look for new ways to have people watch his every move. His latest plan allegedly included a ballet performance set to the score of Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake.” Unfortunately for him, the delivery truck carrying his new tutu was on the Crimean Bridge at the time of the explosion.
“I think he’s worried about not having a ‘thing.’ He’s spent all these years being treated like the boogeyman and now he can tell that he’s starting to be perceived more like a five gallon bucket full of microwaved scrambled eggs instead,” said another insider.
The first stop in Putin’s “Don’t worry, I’m still an asshole” tour was one he likely would’ve been proud of had he carried it out months sooner. However, something strange happened when word got to him that at least 14 people were killed and 97 injured as a result of Monday’s attack on Ukraine — he wasn’t ecstatic.
“I walked by President Putin’s bedroom and noticed him sitting cross-legged by a window in his mother’s old bathrobe. He was sipping on some Earl Grey and staring at the birds in his garden almost as though he, too, wished he could fly away — far from the burden of being one of the most dangerous people on the planet,” said Putin’s servant, Aleksandr Volkov.
Providing the names of those who take the risk of leaking information about Vladimir Putin is typically bad journalistic form. It’s okay in this case, as Putin already had Volkov executed via being lowered into a 12-feet-tall vat of rose-scented candle wax. Kind of like Han Solo at the end of Empire Strikes Back, but with a touch of Putin’s newfound grace.
At this time, there is no clear indication as to whether or not Putin will continue to “stay on brand” until he no longer holds power. What can be said for certain is that Putin is a soft little baby man with the intelligence and brawn of a worm that’s dried to the sidewalk.
Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.
