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Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Pelosi says she doesn’t regret threatening to punch Mother Teresa: ‘I’d still do it’

"I’d ream her so bad she’d be sent to a layer of Hell that Satan himself hasn’t visited since the eighties,” said the grandmother of nine.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made headlines on Oct. 18 when she was quoted saying she doesn’t regret a comment she made against then-president Donald Trump following the Jan. 6, 2021 insurrection. The longtime California Representative came under fire for saying she would “happily” go to jail if given the opportunity to punch Trump. 

Following the comments being brought back to light, internet sleuths discovered old footage in which Pelosi makes similarly disparaging remarks about Mother Teresa, a former nun and literal saint, dating back to 1991. 

Holding a Budweiser in her left hand and gesturing with a Virginia Slim in her right, the then fourth-year representative can be seen venting to a colleague.

“I’ve spent time with Mother Teresa without the cameras — she’s a real mega bitch. And now they’re saying she has pneumonia? Cry me the Jordan River. I’ll punch her raggedy right tit if that’s the side her weaker lung is on,” said Pelosi before taking a thick drag.

Pelosi was approached about the unearthed comment as she was leaving the House on Tuesday night. Ironically, the Washington veteran didn’t pull any punches.

“Her again? God, I thought we handed her over to the worms in ‘97. I’ll tell you right now — if I could get my hands on that corpse, I’d ream her so bad she’d be sent to a layer of Hell that Satan himself hasn’t visited since the eighties,” said the grandmother of nine.

Though commonly considered one of the most devout and holy people who has ever lived, she is not without her controversies. This included supposedly not providing appropriate medical care and making positive comments about dangerous political figures. However, this does not explain Pelosi’s gripe.

“Allowing sick people to suffer without proper medical care and cozying up to Haitian dictators? Big whoop — we call that a Thursday in D.C. I just never liked the harlot, plain and simple. I can’t trust a woman who’s never fogged up the windows from the backseat of a 1957 Bel-Air.” 

While Pelosi has long been treated as a scapegoat for what’s wrong with politics in Washington, she has not let polling get in the way of her beliefs. Despite this, she attempted to give a more family-friendly explanation on-air with CNN.

“We had our first Catholic president, Kennedy, in 1961. We elected our second Catholic president, Biden, in 2020. There’s decades of gray area in there. If a nun gets to act like a nasty prude, then I get to act like a nasty woman,” said Pelosi, seemingly making a point of catering to Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign supporters.

Though no more evidence of Pelosi making similar comments about a third high-profile figure have been found, unconfirmed reports say she has also gone on rants involving celebrities including former representative Bob Dole, Philadelphia Flyers Mascot “Gritty” and Mark Wahlberg. 

Further coverage of the developments can likely be found on Pelosi’s rumored-to-be-in-development political talk show in collaboration with the WWE Network.

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