Wisconsin football fans were whelmed on Sunday to learn of the firing of head coach Paul Chryst. This followed a 34-10 loss to Badgers ex-lover Brett Bielma’s Fighting Illini. While fans have been calling for this move for months, it was this past Saturday’s master class in milquetoast-ness that gained Chryst the title of “unemployed.”
Though necessary, many Badger fans thought Wisconsin would be too midwest-nice (read: cheap) to get rid of Chryst along with his $16 million buyout. Being the guy who led a college football team to a stretch of mediocrity just didn’t sound like it would be enough reason — why would the university fire someone just for being bad at their job? It just doesn’t happen.
The Beet led an investigation to find the ultimate reason behind Chryst’s ousting. While the eighth-season head coach’s on-field performance was relevant to the decision, the final nail in the coffin is all but surprising — according to multiple sources on the football team, Chryst is simply “too much of a little stinker.”
“When he was recruiting me, he just seemed like a normal guy. Granted, he didn’t recruit me that hard, even though I was a four star player, but I thought I learned everything about him from my first impression,” said one anonymous player. “But once they got me on that flight to Madison, Coach Chryst changed. I don’t know how else to say it other than that he was suddenly just such a silly goose. An absolute rascal.”
Though interim head coach Jim Leonhard declined to speak to the media about the firing of a man commonly referred to as a “little scamp,” he did provide a source he claims has shared similar observations.
“He’s just always pulling pranks, joshing around. He’s like an even more boyish Michael Scott,” said the source. “Like one time, Coach Chryst left practice 10 minutes early. Weird, but whatever. But then Graham Mertz opened up his backpack and it was packed with graham crackers. Right away, Coach went into a full-on fit of laughter like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. You should’ve seen the toothy smile on that goofy son of a gun.”
The Beet was unable to reach Mertz about how long it took to get the crumbs out of his backpack.
Chryst’s antics were largely harmless. In fact, the only reported injury has been Chryst himself when he sprained his wrist doing cartwheels. Still, he had lost control of the locker room.
“When I play football, it’s kind of like I’m going to battle, you know? Me and the fellas,” said another player. “Sometimes, you have to do a little check on who you’re going to battle with. So when I see that bright-eyed dork smiling at me like a cartoon Easter Bunny, I can’t help but think that he won’t be able to handle himself.”
It isn’t known what Chryst’s reaction was to his canning. However, multiple people reported seeing him gleefully blowing bubblegum bubbles near Camp Randall’s Ho-Chunk entrance before skipping away to find a swingset to play on.
Though multiple teams have already allegedly contacted Chryst about head coach vacancies, the coach’s terms are making some pause — they are said to include at least one food fight per month, an extra office to create a lollipop museum and a big hug from the largest offensive lineman on the team.
After being thrust into the head coach position, Jim Leonhard will have to adjust on the fly. Though Badger fans will have to wait to see what that means until they play Northwestern on Saturday, it has been confirmed that Leonhard gave players permission to relax their cheek muscles, formally erasing Chryst’s “smiles only” rule. All players and coaching staff are now on a liquid diet until their cheeks regain strength.
Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.
