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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, October 01, 2023

Senior who still wears L&S t-shirt getting laid constantly

‘By day three, I wanted to lick his armpit stains,’ said a woman who wishes to remain anonymous.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Bright-eyed freshmen wearing Letters and Science t-shirts are a classic September sight on the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus. It almost seems as though wearing the free piece of clothing is a sign that someone is leaving independently for the first time, proud of their new college and excited about the opportunity that lies ahead. 

However, because freshmen aren’t allowed to be that happy, the rest of the campus community constantly talks shit about these scallywags and the school-sponsored dirty ass rags on their torsos. As such, the brand new Badgers ultimately buy any other shirt from the bookstore and move on. 

Over the course of an individual’s college career, the emotions evoked by the shirt evolve. Where there is usually a feeling of superiority, nausea and wanting to call the police, there is confidence, charm and pure sexual energy. Still, because it’s so rare to see a senior wearing one, this idea is rarely tested. 

Matt Riley, a senior chemistry major, is testing it. And he’s getting laid constantly. 

According to one 21-year-old woman who wishes to remain anonymous, Matt Riley wasn’t always such an alluring sex machine. 

“I’ve been in a club with him for three years and he never seemed to have a girlfriend or even know how to flirt,” said the satisfied junior. “But every day this week he’s been wearing that Letters and Science t-shirt. The first day, it was a little lame. The second, I thought ‘it must be a joke — kinda funny, I guess.’ By day three, I wanted to lick his armpit stains.”

This is just one example of Riley’s sexcapade. He can’t even walk into a class without a woman — even a few fellas here and there — trying to make a move. Though the slightly-below-average looking student has good friends in fraternities, he is no longer allowed at any of the parties. 

“A couple days ago, I invited Matt to our first party of the semester. He knows the drill, so he managed to scrounge up a couple of girls so that we would let him in,” said frat boy Liam Goetz. 

“By the end of the night — and I swear to god — he had slept with every single woman there. We wanted to get the carpet replaced, but we bought one of those basketball arcade games instead.” 

For a dedicated student like Riley, it must be difficult to manage school work along with being the hottest lay on campus. There’s no telling whether the class of 2023 member will keep wearing the t-shirt or give himself a break and go back to wearing Minecraft t-shirts every other day. 

In any case, depending on the contraception used, the university may need to build him a statue. At his current rate, he will be the father of the entire class of 2025 by May. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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