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Sunday, September 25, 2022
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Nation in mourning after Prince Charles becomes King Charles III

Some of the new King’s staunch supporters — of which there are roughly 50 — say that England needs to give him a chance.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The world stood still on Thursday as it was announced that Queen Elizabeth II peacefully passed away at her Scottish estate. Having taken over the throne in 1952, she was the longest reigning British monarch.

As monumental as this death is to the billions of people who have only known Queen Elizabeth II as the face of the royal family, England truly hit the alarm bell when they realized who their new ruler is — that little weasel Prince Charles.

Right away, BBC’s iconic red logo turned black. Millions were stunned as they scoured the internet to find that one of their nation’s biggest fears had come true. 

The only silver lining appears to be that Charles, at the age of 73, isn’t the freshest pot of tea. Whereas Elizabeth II’s celebration of life is set to take place next week, most are prioritizing Prince Charles’ impending celebration of death.

The new King, who will be known as Charles III, has long been criticized for being overly posh, out of touch and “a huge tool.” 

To the Prince of Wales’ credit, some have compared his ability to connect with the people to that of the beloved Princess Diana. To be clear, they are referring to present-day Diana, who has been buried deep underground on a 13,000 acre estate after having her heart displaced in a brutal car crash 25 years ago.

Some of the new King’s staunch supporters — of which there are roughly 50 — say that England needs to give him a chance.

“Whether you like it or not, Charles is the King of England now,” said Leeds native Rupert Burton. “I’m not saying that people need to be all buddy buddy with him like Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein or something, but some degree of loyalty is in order.”

There’s no telling how the United Kingdom will fare under the reign of Charles III. As of now, the only major change is that rather than carrying on Elizabeth II’s iconic love for corgis, Charles III is planning on keeping a swarm of pet mosquitoes with him wherever he goes. 

May Queen Elizabeth II rest in peace. After decades in power, she will perhaps be best remembered by Americans as the fancy royal lady on TV for 10 minutes every Christmas.

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