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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 25, 2022
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Idiot comedy writer under impression people care about her thoughts and feelings

The Beet editor Mackenzie Moore has an album out now — sorry to be the one to break it to you.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

An unfortunate truth of life is that in order for comedy to exist, there must also be comedians. Luckily, most of the time, comedians stay away from the well-adjusted public. They hide themselves away for hours on end in writers’ rooms in places like Los Angeles, New York City or a windowless office in the basement of Vilas Hall on the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus.

Well, one “funnygirl” (nobody calls her that) has broken the unspoken rule. Editor of disgraced Daily Cardinal section The Beet, Mackenzie Moore is doing more than making accidental passing eye contact with people —she’s singing at them. With a guitar. About her feelings

Worse yet, she’s been doing it for like eight years. Professionally. Like, it pays rent. It’s almost unbelievable, but if you ever met Mackenzie, it would check out that she’s been spending nights in bars since she was 13. 

This next part will have the most dedicated atheists praying for the rapture. Get this — she has an album that just came out on Sept. 15 called “Out of Nowhere.” A fitting title, as nobody cares to know what dark crevice she just popped out of to unleash this audible splooge all over the world. It’s also on all streaming platforms, but Mackenzie made it so it's not available on Spotify until 6 p.m. — that little scamp. 

And as a heads up, stay far away from High Noon Saloon on 701 E Washington Ave in Madison, Wisconsin from roughly 7-11 p.m. on Sept. 15, 2022. Moore is going to play the album with a full band, plus some surprises. Nobody wants to be surprised by someone who owns a bug on a stick. 

Really, don’t push it. You can miss a party this once. Even if you go early to avoid her, there will be other local, award winning bands there. If you really want to spend $15 to watch starving artists, then go buy a Blu-ray copy of Ratatouille. 

Moore should have to apologize for not allowing the universe to remain ignorant to the fact that she has thoughts and feelings. What do comedy writers even care about? That the convenience store didn’t have Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos? That their dog didn’t give them enough attention this morning? That’s all ridiculous and unrelatable. 

A so-called comedian who plays guitar? Who does she think she is, Conan O’Brien? While the DNA tests are inconclusive, I don’t think they’re even related. The only other thing they have in common is that they’re both unlikable to everyone they work with. Maybe someday, Mackenzie will also get fired from NBC. Jay Leno will presumably still be involved. 

I would say that this cretin of a woman should no longer be allowed to write comedy, but based on what I’ve unwillingly heard from her album, she seems to get sad pretty often. That’s good for comedy. This is not to be confused with her being funny. She just makes comedy — there’s a difference. 

Remember to warn all of your friends, too. Buy them a physical copy of the CD and send them streaming links so they know what not to listen to. Mackenzie Moore is coming from “Out of Nowhere.” We can only hope her follow up is called “Never Mind, Going Back Now.” 

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