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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, December 01, 2022
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An interview with Anupras

If Donald Glover could do it, Anupras can do it too.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The Daily Cardinal is committed to producing the best student journalism possible, which is what motivated this interview with the most brilliant mind this world has ever seen: Anupras. 

This conversation has NOT been edited for clarity or brevity.

How are ya?

I’m pretty good. Honestly, I’ve never understood questions like these. Everybody loves throwing in a “How are you?” or a “How’s it going?” The worst part is when people lead with “What’s up?” You don’t really care about the answer, do you? If you did, you’d just look up. You’ve just gotta say something to break the silence. I’ll admit, it’s better than deathly silence, but still. 

You seem really worked up about this. Why is that?

Well, I once used to earnestly answer these questions. The other person’s almost always nodding their head at 120 beats per minute just so I can take the hint and stop talking. Either that, or they look at me like I peed my pants. Honestly, I think we should use different methods to break the silence. I’ve tried staring into people’s souls, but that hasn’t worked. 

Is this something you’re actively researching?

I’ve been trying to think of different ways. An entertaining alternative is saying a random word loud enough to catch someone’s attention. 

BEANS!!

Beans? I think beans are neat. Especially in Mexican food.

Oh yeah, I agree. British baked beans, on the other hand, are so bland. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either.

See how easy that was? Unfortunately, if I tried this out in public, I’d probably end up in a heap of trouble. What if my random word is an expletive? Or “run?”

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You make a valid point. Do you often find yourself in the public? 

Yes. I’m out and about quite a bit, actually. I love a nice walk with my favorite music on. Walking around town makes even the most mind-numbing errands fun. I see several couples around town, walking hand in hand. Nothing makes me feel more single than them, although I usually joke to myself about it. No need to hold on so tight. She’s not gonna run away! It’s cute, though. I’d do the same if I were them.

It’s also really cool if I spot someone I recognize. Bonus points if they spot me back. Minus points if they don’t. 

You mention minus points. Is there anything else that makes walking around a net negative?

Oh yes. There’s nothing worse than having to deal with a traffic jam on foot. I mean, the whole point of walking is to avoid getting stuck behind people. Yet, there’s some people who walk on sidewalks like it’s their private property. Entire groups of people just walking four or five abreast at a snail’s pace. Or maybe someone hypnotized by their phone screen. Nothing makes me feel more like a Formula 1 driver than when I go “around the outside” and wave my arms in exasperation. They don’t even show remorse. It’s tempting to shunt into them sometimes. 

Is there anything else that makes you want to rage like a Formula 1 driver?  

Absolutely! I walk around town sometimes, and I find myself startled from time to time by cyclists who don’t understand that sidewalks are for WALKING. It’s in the name! I’ve been inches from disaster a few times. Whatever inches I lack, these near misses sure make up for it!

Oh, and don’t get me started on skateboarders. They think they’re really cool. I’d love to just not move over when they’re on the sidewalk. Take a charge, like in basketball. 

You really sound like someone who’s up for a fight. When’s the last time you got into a fight?

Just today, funnily enough. I was waiting to cross the street, enjoying the fall weather, when all of a sudden, this bee buzzed around me and wouldn’t leave. I was having none of it. I swung my arms in a way that no boxer ever has. Truly revolutionary stuff. 

Who won the fight?

I’d say I did. I crossed the street. The bee didn’t. 

Is there any other field you’ve innovated in? 

I can tell you about my contributions to the sport Americans call football. I don’t know if it’s really a sport. I mean, the NFL is just ads with a little “sports” in between. Anyway, I was playing catch using the egg-shaped American football with some awesome people during the summer, and I created some truly inventive ways of throwing the ball. I used my arms, lifted my legs, twisted my torso. I generated all kinds of dip and swerve. No one does it like Anupras. 

Oh, wait a second, I’ve just got a notification. This band I’ve liked for several years has released a new album, and it doesn’t sound exactly like their previous stuff. I’ve got to go now. I need to address this. 

I understand. Well, this has been a great chat. It’s no wonder you’re the most brilliant mind the world has ever seen. There are so many more questions I have. Maybe another time. 

I get that all the time. Yeah, we can talk later. There’s no need for a Midwestern goodbye now. Ciao. 

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Anupras Mohapatra

Anupras Mohapatra is a former opinion editor for The Daily Cardinal and currently serves on the Editorial Board. He is a senior double majoring in Computer Science and Journalism. 

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