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Sunday, July 03, 2022
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Wisconsinites flee to nearest bar as tornado looms

Wisconsin bars contain all of the necessities needed to ride out a severe storm.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Much of southern Wisconsin was sent into a state of extreme caution on Wednesday evening as news stations reported on a tornado warning covering a large portion of the state. Arriving after a Madison-area thunderstorm that created widespread damage, thousands were on high alert.

Wisconsinites are known to approach the potential for tornadoes with a camping chair placed on the driveway and an ice-cold beer. This occasion was different, as the downpouring rain made alcoholic beverages far too watered down to ignore.

As expected, there was a substantial increase in those in impacted counties checking into different bars on Facebook and Instagram. Participants say that the purpose of this was two-fold. One, to make sure loved ones were accounted for. Second, to encourage friends and family to get together at the same beloved watering hole as severe storms overwhelmed their respective towns. 

The below-the-knee underwear state of Utah may question why those in the badger state hit the town rather than going straight to their basements. In reality, it appears that the decision was a reasonable one. 

During a tornado, it’s recommended that people have safe shelter, water, non-perishable food and medication. Bars have all of these things. For example, most establishments have few windows so as to avoid customers being judged by passersby for drinking a Bloody Mary at 7 a.m. on a Tuesday. 

As far as water concerned, even if the water is shut off, Miller 64 is still typically available. 

Non-perishable food items are a no-brainer, as most neighborhood dives have been serving the same pretzels and peanuts since the spring of 2004. 

The last thing to account for is medication. This is the easiest to come by, as alcohol is the cure for just about anything. Celebrating? Old fashioned. Nice day outside? Summer Shandy. Depressed? A pleasant bourbon barrel stout. Just in a good mood? Margarita. Have a debilitating terminal illness? Take solace in the fact that the long-term health effects of alcohol are now irrelevant — the bar is your oyster.

There is truly something for everyone, from the toddler to the tired nurse. Even the stingiest spots have non-alcoholic beer, meaning that those who opt not to drink can still participate. Non-alcoholic classic O’Doul’s tastes very similar to the real thing, and damn, denial is a hell of a drug, isn’t it? 

The tornado warning expired before 8 p.m., allowing for residents to safely return to their homes. However, just an hour after seeking shelter, intense games of euchre and darts were reportedly underway in dozens of bars across the dairy state. As is tradition, this caused Wisconsin residents to not return home until 2:30 a.m. Thursday morning. 

Though the storm caused some property damage, there is a silver lining — it’s an awful lot harder for people to drive drunk when a tree has fallen down on their vehicle. And for that, we thank the fury of Mother Nature.

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