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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Supreme Court rules themselves emperors of the United States

Don’t worry — the Democrats have everything under control.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a controversial 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has determined that they are emperors of the United States. 

The ruling, the shortest in the history of the court, stating “The founders say ‘fuck you,’ we run this bitch now,” has left many citizens confused, but legal scholars find no error.

“At the end of the day, the Supreme Court has the ultimate power to say what the law and the Constitution mean,” said a Yale law professor with close ties to multiple Justices. 

Through heavy breathing, he added, “If they rule that the original intent of the framers was to make Supreme Court justices an unelected and unaccountable body that makes decisions that decide the quality of life of hundreds of millions, who am I to question their ruling?”

The rest of the interview with the Ivy League scholar was unintelligible, as it appears he was choking or gagging on something while a faint voice reminiscent of Justice Samuel Alito, Jr. could be heard.

In response to this announcement, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said before the press, “No one could have seen this atrocity coming. I was having brunch with Chief Justice John Roberts just yesterday and we had a wonderful conversation about our desires for power. I didn’t realize he meant he was going to declare himself emperor.” 

She then brushed an invisible tear from her cheek before continuing, “I just don’t know what can be done. Maybe if my campaign raises $100,000 in the next hour, I will be able to go read the court a poem.”

She then added a reminder for viewers to like, subscribe and ring the notification bell, or else the court may overturn Brown v. Board of Education.

“Someone’s gotta do something about this, Jack,” declared President Biden. “If I were president, I’d have a thing or two to say to these… in my day we’d call them ‘wet rags,’ and I don’t say that lightly. Back in Scranton, me and ‘the Bad Boys of Scranton’ — that’s what they called us — boy, if you were a wet rag, we’d teach you a thing or two about why you didn’t want to be a wet rag… I’ll tell you that much."

Biden continued, “Now, I’m not gonna go into details but Scranton was a wet rag-free zone for decades. I love America and, as president, I made a promise to the American people that I would transform this country, the beautiful United States of America, into a wet rag-free zone like my boys Big Barley, Bean Stew and Iron Billy and I always dreamed. And we can make that happen if you get yourself registered to vote and turn out this November. This next election is the most important one of our lives, and we need your help to rid this country of the wet rags. Now let’s say a prayer for the police and the troops.”

Justice Clarence Thomas has announced he intends to bring back “American antebellum glory.” Justice Amy Coney Barrett stated she “is proud to welcome all of America into her family, especially the ones most vulnerable to cult indoctrination.” And Justice Brett Kavanaugh stated he was “away on a golf trip with the boys” and “hopes he signed whatever he was supposed to sign before he left.”

“We the Democratic Party will not take this sitting down,” stated Chuck Schumer via video call from his New York office. “We are currently consulting with the greatest minds we have at our disposal to see what can be done. Unfortunately, Lin Manuel Miranda is already booked writing a Disney movie about a little Latinx girl who wants to become a zookeeper like her dead mom, but can’t because she’s left-handed and she’s also gay but in a way that is barely mentioned so they can edit it out for the Chinese market.” 

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A staffer then ran up to Schumer with a phone. He continued hurriedly, “Oh shit is that him? Ok, I just want the American people to know we understand they put our faith in us and that we definitely have a plan B.” 

He then turned to the phone, “Hi Mr. Miranda, America needs you now more than ever. Oh he’s still busy? Yeah, next Thursday works. Ok thanks. Yeah just let me know. You have a great day too, sweetheart.” 

All those we heard from were adamant that the American people continue going to work as normal and not break anything. 

“Taking this out on other hard-working working-class Americans or their multi-million dollar stock portfolios will not help with matters,” said the entire Democratic party in unison like the twins in “The Shining.” 

“Now more than ever, we need your help to take the Senate and hold the courts accountable. Please donate $15 today and we will fight for you. Do not resist and do not fight for yourselves or there will be consequences. Happy pride month.”

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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