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Saturday, May 25, 2024

What you need to know about new UW-Madison chancellor-designee Jennifer Mnookin

Hunka hunka.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On Monday, news broke that University of California, Los Angeles law school dean Jennifer Mnookin has been named the 30th chancellor of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, replacing Rebecca Blank after nine white-hot years — at least until Bucky and Becky had a falling out, as reported by The Daily Cardinal

However, most on campus know very little about the incoming chancellor. Here’s what you need to know about Jennifer Mnookin.

  1. She has read “Goodnight Moon” cover to cover. Many people can relate to feeling slightly embarrassed about not having read many of the great literary classics such as Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” and Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Mnookin does not have this problem. Not only does she own a hardcover version of the 1947 Margaret Wise Brown novel, but she’s read the 32-page behemoth cover to cover multiple times over. Talk about genius.
  2. Not just an intellectual — Mnookin has served as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s stunt double. Not in just one movie, but several, including each of The Rock’s three movies in the “Fast & Furious” franchise. She was also offered a WWE contract prior to being named chancellor, but turned it down because she’s only interested in real fights now. Hunka hunka.
  3. She likes ice cream too. Perhaps the best thing about Blank is that she embraced the “dairy” in dairy state, most notably culminating in Babcock Dairy Store naming a flavor after her, famously known as “Bec-Key Lime Pie.”  Luckily, Mnookin can relate. The Harvard graduate is rumored to eat at least one pint of ice cream with each meal. Plus, when she’s in the mood for Neapolitan, she gives the frozen treat an even swipe instead of eating each of the three flavors in an uneven, inconsiderate fashion. A fan of equality — that’s a good sign.
  4. Refined — she knows how to pour a beer properly. At our fine college, students aren’t too concerned about how a beer is poured. Typically, if it’s leaving the can, it’s being dumped straight into someone’s mouth anyway. However, we need someone more responsible to be in charge. Mnookin can ensure that the head on beer is neither too flat nor too frothy. Thanks for looking out for us, Jen. 
  5. Putting some “sweet” in Salt-N-Peppa — she knows how to dance to the hip-hop group’s 1986 hit, “Push It!” Many have tried, and, somehow, even more have failed to dance to the song in a way that hits the perfect middle ground between “white dad at a barbecue” and “I’m not sure why, but this feels racist.” Mnookin, on the other hand, can hit the sweet spot. What can we say — she’s got the flow.
  6. She’s a Double Dutch World Champion. Though not widely broadcasted, Mnookin was the 1982 Double
    Dutch World Champion. Her pro days may be long over, but she still keeps her skills sharp — a great asset
    as the new chancellor of a school that loves to Jump Around.
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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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