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Saturday, May 25, 2024

Pro-life politicians vote to bomb Middle Eastern orphanage

When asked to explain his vote, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said it’s “next to impossible to make a Middle Eastern child grow up to be an oil lobbyist for the United States.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The majority of Americans were disgusted Monday night when POLITICO published a draft majority opinion that would overturn both 1973’s Roe v. Wade as well as 1992’s Planned Parenthood v. Casey, both of which protect access safe and legal abortions.

In the following days, many politicians — particularly of the lumpy oatmeal variety — voiced their disgust. The takeaway from their messages is that someone’s duty to the federal government should come before the bodily autonomy of over 166 million women in the United States. While debatable, it’s easy to see how both the men and women of the House could come to this conclusion, as nobody wants to touch them anyway.

As urgent as Republican politicians feel about protecting life, many were able to set this aside on Thursday evening. Called to vote on whether or not the United States should bomb an orphanage in the Middle East, the vote was a resounding “yes, please!” 

Some pro-life senators did not vote “yes.” Rather, they didn’t vote at all, as they didn’t feel like going to work that day.

Most people with half-functioning frontal lobes could see the irony of claiming to want to protect the lives of the innocent while simultaneously voting for the murder of orphaned children in a war-torn region. As luck would have it, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was available to give an explanation.  

“Look — it’s not the same thing. Not even remotely,” began Sen. Graham. “The unborn have so much potential. With every pregnancy in this country comes the potential for another rich white man to join our ranks. Now, there is the risk that a rich white man could learn compassion or be curious about the experiences and thoughts of others, but that’s just part of the game,” said Graham, referring to a nine-month period of bodily trauma as a “game.” 

“Orphans alone are a tough sell. I mean, clearly their parents didn’t think they were worth living for,” chuckled the South Carolina senator. “Them being from the Middle East really makes things messy. Race aside, it’s next to impossible to turn a Middle Eastern child into an oil lobbyist for the United States — even them becoming gun lobbyists is a toss-up depending on how their parents died,” said the senator.

“By the age of four, five, six, their minds are pretty much made up. Either they’re training to be a terrorist or they’ve resigned themselves to death. I mean, we really have murdered a whole lot of their families, so it’s a reasonable next step,” remarked Sen. Graham with a glint in his eyes. 

Sen. Graham was given the opportunity to clarify or walk back any of his statements, to which he replied “Okay, I guess some of them are terrorists by age three.”

The four term senator was also asked what the benefit of bombing the orphanage would be. One would expect the answer to involve drilling for oil or establishing dominance, but rather, the explanation was that Graham and his fellow pro-life senators find the idea “thrilling” and that there “could be some really cool rocks under there.” 

Long story short, stock up on Plan B, get a passport and put some bear spray in your purse. Based on the votes indicated in the draft decision, the fate of women’s rights lies with five old guys and a woman who Donald Trump appointed to the court with the explicit goal of overturning Roe v. Wade

Lastly, however this case goes, let’s make sure people who pressure others to have abortions — like, oh I don’t know, former representaive and anti-abortion advocate Tim Murphy did in 2017 — feel as unsafe as women do walking alone at night.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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