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Sunday, July 03, 2022
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Man trying to stop more children from being shot ‘A sick son of a bitch’

Won’t someone think of the politicians?

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The May 24 shooting at a Uvalde, TX elementary school has been added to the list of at least 2,032 school shootings that have taken place in the United States since 1970. The next day, Gov. Abbott (R-TX) appeared with officials including Uvalde Mayor Don McLaughlin and Sen. Ted Cruz to speak about the tragedy.

If anyone was worried about how the sight of a mourning community impacted the NRA-backed governor, no need. I’m sure the guy who thinks gun violence is “caused by lack of mental health resources, but don’t worry — I cut that too” hasn’t given the murders of 19 children and two teachers all that much thought. It takes much more mental energy for Abbott to count to four, also known as the number of mass shootings resulting in 10-plus deaths that have taken place in Texas since 2017.  

Former representative for Texas’ 16th congressional district Beto O’Rourke didn’t get the memo. This was made clear after he heartlessly interrupted the conference to plead for Gov. Abbott to stop with the empty condolences and talk about what he’s actually going to do to prevent yet another mass shooting. 

This prompted Mayor McLaughlin to call Texas native O’Rourke a “sick son of a bitch.” Though blunt, the statement was understandable. After all, when someone is having a heart attack, the last thing their loved ones want to do is talk about solutions such as calling 911 and attempting CPR — the best thing to do is to let the victim suffer and lock the door on the way out.

The Beet asked Gov. Abbott about his well-being following the traumatic experience of being stood up to by an unarmed man from a safe distance.

“It was, in all likelihood, the most frightening thing that’s ever happened to me,” said a shaking Abbott. “I know it was hard to see and hear everything on video, but his eyes were so angry and his words were so sharp that I wasn’t sure that I’d make it out of there alive. Metaphorically, of course,” clarified the governor as Ted Cruz wrapped him in a warm blanket and handed over a mug of hot chocolate.

O’Rourke fighting back against politicians prioritizing NRA money over the lives of their constituents is about as cruel as it gets. After all, with a higher than average percentage of Texans living beneath the poverty line, their lives simply aren’t as valuable as the prospect of a new vacation home or first class plane tickets to whatever point on Earth is furthest from Texas.

The father of three has a similarly damaging history. After a 2019 shooting in his hometown of El Paso, the at-the-time presidential candidate canceled his upcoming campaign events in order to be with his family. If O’Rourke really wanted to do the right thing, he would’ve let his campaign resume as planned and sought solace with a sex worker in a hotel room like a respectable politician.

There’s no telling where O’Rourke may strike next, let alone how many copycats may be out there plotting to do the most awful thing most politicians could think of — make them do their jobs. The Beet offers thoughts and prayers to the United States Congress as they struggle with the potential inconvenience.

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