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Saturday, May 25, 2024

Local mom considering sending a message by regifting candles back to children

“There is more to my personality than a functioning nose and the belief that the good smells are better than the bad ones.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Mother’s Day has come and gone, which means that the vast majority of moms in countries that celebrate the holiday have received some combination of chocolate, flowers, wine, bath robes and, of course, candles. 

While the status of these gifts as holiday staples has given them the reputation of being the very symbol of “I forgot it was Mother’s Day, so here — I stopped at Walgreens,” one would be hard pressed to find an adult woman who isn’t all for free wine and chocolate.

Candles, however, are a different story. After all, there’s only so much wax a matriarch can burn through. Given that candles ares also a common Christmas present, one realizes that moms are dangerously close to committing accidental arson if they choose to use up every one they receive within the span of a calendar year. 

Well, one local mom is poised to make a stand. Middleton’s Tracy Weltz, a 52-year-old mother of two, is strongly considering regifting the candles she received from her children to make one simple point. 

In the words of Weltz, “I know I’m a mom. I know I should be grateful for anything my children choose to give me. But for fuck’s sake — there is more to my personality than a functioning nose and the belief that the good smells are better than the bad ones.” 

Weltz, who has been a banker at Middleton’s One Community Bank for her entire adult life, is not typically one to be so bold. When asked why she has picked now to possibly cause an irreparable rift within her family, she stated that the need to have so many cabinets to store the candle overflow is “really fucking with” her kitchen rennovation plans — something she has been looking forward to since she began attending the annual Madison Area Parade of Homes with the other neighborhood moms several years ago.

“When my kids played youth soccer, I was the fun mom. I wasn’t bringing orange slices — it was Gushers from September ‘til the end of the season. And goddammit, I’m still the fun mom,” Weltz said.

“I went to my son’s tailgate on Family Weekend. No disrespect to the other ladies who were in attendance, but I brought the party. Not only did I bring beer and seltzers, but the Bucky Badger on my shirt was bedazzled to the nines,” beamed the suburban fashionista.

The Beet reached out to Weltz’s children, both students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, to find out what they think about their mother’s idea.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind,” said her daughter, 19. “I don’t really know what scents she likes or dislikes, so I just buy her what I would want for myself anyway.” 

Weltz’s son, 21, shared a similar sentiment. 

“I know I tend to get her a candle for Mother’s Day, Christmas and her birthday, but to be fair, she buys me a dress shirt that’s too big every year and says I’ll ‘grow into it,’” he stressed. “She knows I stopped growing after my junior year of high school, but she refuses to acknowledge it and won’t let me return the shirts because she ‘already spent her Kohl’s Cash on them.’”

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Ultimately, her son said he’d rather have a candle because he believes the scent would mask the stench of his room, thereby meaning he won’t have to clean.

While Tracy Weltz will take her time in making a final decision, she does plan to be passive aggressive about the whole thing in the meantime. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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