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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

Taco Bell to start selling weed

The fast food giant is cutting out the middleman.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In 2015, Taco Bell began serving alcohol at its first Cantina location. Now, seven years later, the Burrito Supreme® loving world can rest assured that the debauchery won’t stop there. In a tweet fittingly sent out this morning at 4:20 a.m., the fast food giant announced that it’s cutting out the middleman — locations around the nation will begin selling weed effective immediately.

Given the amount of organization many presumed it took to ensure that restaurants were properly supplied on time, some were initially shocked that the Irvine-based company managed to keep it a secret. Yet, Taco Bell managed to do the impossible for the holiday celebrated by stoners and 12-year-olds who went to the mall with their friends for the first time, exercising their newfound rebellious nature by buying weed socks at Spencers.

However, it seems that credit may have been given to the wrong people. Following the official announcement, employees began speaking out about the new menu item. 

“Are you guys seriously wondering how Taco Bell got so much weed without anybody noticing? People working the drive-thru have been selling it during their shifts for decades — the only change is that corporate wants a cut now,” tweeted one employee.

After the post picked up steam, the Tex Mex chain clarified by saying it would “not interrupt the entrepreneurial process” at locations in states where recreational marijuana is illegal. 

Given this information, some customers are reportedly disappointed by the lack of effort and ingenuity put forth by the company’s top ranks. A frequently echoed sentiment was that a special “stoner menu” should’ve been created, but that’s already what the entire Taco Bell menu is. If that’s not enough, then customers should simply buy another Cheesy Gordita Crunch along with their Crunchwrap Supreme®. 

Readers, it’s time to celebrate. Call in sick, drive to your nearest Taco Bell — or the good one that’s 10 minutes further away, but doesn’t fuck you over by shortchanging you on the Creamy Jalapeño sauce on your chicken quesadilla — and get Baja Blasted™.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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