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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 24, 2022
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Bald man makes sure to tell every man with a good head of hair to 'enjoy it while it lasts'

“I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!"

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Losing your hair is a scary thought for most people. As we get older, the possibility of hair loss becomes greater, and so does the fear of losing it. 

Many people don’t know how grateful they are to have a nice head of hair until it is too late. Bald men often converse with each other about the “good old days” when they had a need for shampoo or the times they were annoyed that their hair got in their face instead of appreciating its presence. 

Harry Lapeire is one such man that has struggled to get over the loss of his hair. He can’t help but think of all the things he missed out on because he was too focused on his career and his family. He never got to experience what it feels like to grow his hair out and put it in a ponytail. He never truly savored the feeling of the wind blowing through his hair.

As Harry contemplated all the missed opportunities, he decided he had a mission in life. That mission was to inform every beautiful haired person he sees to enjoy their locks “while they still got it.”

“I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. Well actually, maybe I would, but I definitely wouldn’t wish it on my second worst enemy — that's for sure! I can’t tell you how many times I have started crying like a baby when I look in the mirror and see my cue ball head ass,” said Harry’s cue ball head ass. 

Mr. Lapeire has been roaming the streets of downtown Madison looking for any man, woman or child with a nice head of hair to warn them of the tragedies that come about shortly after the loss of your hair. 

A nice man that was confronted by Harry outside of Whiskey Jacks Saloon was nice enough to detail his experience with Harry.

“A little bit before he confronted me, I saw him sitting outside the Fashion Salon on state street looking through the window. He looked a little bit sad, but I didn't think anything of it. Then a little bit later I saw the same guy and he approached me, dropped to his knees, grabbed my legs and started sobbing uncontrollably,” said the nice man. He continued, “I couldn’t really understand anything he was saying, but he started to pull himself together and he stood up. He proceeded to look me in my eyes in a very intense manner and slowly run his hand through my hair without saying a word to me. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do about it, but then he sulked away while mumbling under his breath, ‘enjoy it while it lasts. Please, for the love of god, enjoy it while it lasts.’ Let me tell you — I will definitely make sure to savor this head of hair after that!”

Harry has been trying to work on coping with the loss since he hit rock bottom during the incident with the nice man, and he has learned to accept the fact that his hair is gone and nothing will bring it back … besides maybe Rogaine. He says he has not told anyone to savor their hair since the incident with the nice man, but sources close to him say he isn’t being completely honest. 

Hair loss is tough for everyone, and we need to be there for our friends and family when they need us most to try to prevent the outbreak of emotion seen by Harry Lapeire. 

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