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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
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Actually news: The Almanac is now officially 'The Beet'

The founders of The Onion, who are Cardinal alumni, are allowed to beat me up.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

For once, the Almanac is bringing you real news. I realize that it’s difficult to trust a word you read in this section — if you do, you may be a few curds shy of a ButterBurger basket — but you’re just gonna have to roll with me on this one. Let’s get to the point. As of today, the Almanac is changing its name to “The Beet.”

The reason for the switch is simple. Its current name is neither relevant or historically significant enough to justify keeping. When people see “Almanac,” it doesn’t exactly scream “comedy” or “creative writing.” When I joined The Daily Cardinal as an Associate news writer, I remember mentioning that it would be cool if we had a satire section, only for Managing Editor Grace Hodgman to tell me, “Well, there’s the Almanac.” 

One could argue that’s more a reflection of my lack of intelligence than the name not making sense, but that means that everyone else at the paper who agrees a name change is in order also lacks intelligence. Though true, that is this section’s target audience.

The new name seeks to honor The Onion’s founding members, many of whom created comics and wrote for The Daily Cardinal. According to what can be found in the extensive Cardinal archives, this newspaper did not have a platform for satire until two years after The Onion was created. 

Ultimately, this paper’s loss was the comedy world’s gain. Unfortunately, it was also the gain of those who live in such a distant reality that Onion articles are perceived as news and shared on social media as such, reaching others of their kind.

That being said, the founding members of The Onion do not know they’re being honored, and I have no immediate plans to inform them. Not because I don’t want them to feel happy that we appreciate them, but because if they don’t feel that way, I fully believe that Cardinal alum and owner and former Editor-In-Chief of The Onion Scott Dikkers could beat me up.

It should be made clear that, despite its namesake, The Beet will continue to gladly showcase other forms of creative writing. Whether someone wants to write a stupid article or beautiful poetry, chances are it all stems from some kind of deep-rooted trauma — we’re all one over here.

As your Beet editor, I look forward to the new chapter in this section’s history. If we’re lucky, maybe The Daily Cardinal website will even have the new name updated before the next editor comes along and changes it again.

Yours until further notice, 

The Beet

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